Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Only the Strong Survive. . .
Frustration is inevitable when I'm trying to talk to someone fighting a freakin' war and the connection over the phone just isn't there. I've gotten use to the fact that when Adrian or Angelo call it takes a few seconds for the other person to intercept what has been said. So I've learned that I have to wait a few seconds after I say something before they get it and vise versa. It's annoying, but I've adjusted. Well, about two weeks ago Angelo called and we got to talk for like 15 minutes!! That's a lot. Usually we have a very short amount of time. So we talked, I gave him the "good news." Which was, my brother (his best friend) and Marylyn are getting married. I told him that he was deemed best man and myself maid of honor. I also got to tell him that not only do they want us to baptize Breanna but the baby on the way. I told him that all of this means we get to spend lots of money. He sounded excited, although I sensed in the tone of his voice that he'd rather be here sharing the news as we get it. So it made me feel a bit down. Then we had to get off the phone because someone was talking to him and he said he had to "work." Whatever that may be in the middle of a war. He told me that he would be calling me the following day at the same time. So, I anticipated his phone call that Saturday, which I never got. It drove me freakin' batty. Anyhow, it's been about three weeks but he got to call today. When I answered my phone all I heard was static and some other racket. I said hello repeatedly and eventually I started asking "Angelo, is that you?" After about two minutes of static I heard "Jeennn!" It WAS Angelo! It was hard to hear him. He sounded very distant. He said he thought it was my cell, which I know it wasn't, but he said he'd call me back on my house phone. Sooo, then I'm left playing the waiting game, but eventually the phone rang and it was Angelo again. I could hear him for the first 30 seconds or so then the volume of his voice would begin to fade. He was asking me to call his mom which he said repeatedly before I made out what he was asking me. After I figured it out, I started getting frustrated because I knew he needed a favor and I wasn't hearing him. Then he was trying to give me her work number and was having to give it to me one number at a time. Well, I got the number, but no freakin' extension. We got disconnected. So I call this number and it's Foley's. As if this isn't a huge corporation. So I get transferred to personnel and I'm asking for his mom simply by her first name. They're probably thinking, "who the hell are you and what do you want?!" I didn't know whether his mom let people know her son was in Iraq or not but in order for me to find her I told them what had happened. So I found the department she was working in and just my luck, "she's not in today." I try her at home and nothing. I try about three more times, still nothing. Eventually I left a message. The reason I was trying to get her ASAP was because Angelo said he'd be calling in an hour for the answers to his questions and so forth. Well he called back and we got to establish what it is he needed but before he could give me the rest of his mom's info. I heard a really loud and extensive beep, and I start with the "Angelo's are you there?! Angelo?!" Nothing. My heart starts beating while my stomach knots up. I didn't get to say bye and God bless you and we all love you. Frustation is beyond me. Then I get all the feelings I try to avoid right back. . .frigtened, anxious, nervous, faint-hearted, and so much more. All of which is so very over-whelming. So as of right now, I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. Will it ring? Or do I have to wait another three weeks? Just got off the phone with his mom about five minutes ago. One of the things he wanted to know was his account balance. Which then brought up his ex. They have two beautiful little girls together. Angelo really got himself into a dilemma with her. The first child we all suspect may not be his. He has never cared because he loves his baby girl regardless. He married Keri because he wanted to have a family. Angelo, by the way, is the family man and father of any sane girls dreams. Though most girls today aren't sane! I'm sure you'd concur. So then his mom tells me that Keri and her new boy went to visit the other day. Can you guess why? Well, lemme tell you. They needed money! Isn't it ironic? They've decided that they're going to have there baby baptized along with Aaliyah, Angelo's youngest. Yeah, they need money for Aaliyah's dress and want to take it out of his account. Is that not the duty of the God parents to be? Nino and Nina themselves? I'm freakin' livid! So they're going to do it without him here. They can't wait for him to get home. And I have to tell Angelo this. I can't stand this girl!! Man if I could get a hold of her. But I know I have to leave that to a higher power. She's ugly as all hell too! And those of you who know me, how many people have I called ugly in my life time? Really? Her snaggle toothed, gold digging, perm-of-the-80's, horns of the devil, lying little wrench! UGH! She was physically ugly to begin with and when she opened her mouth, it was like a little demon jumped out. Anyhow, eventually he found out she was cheating on him. And finally he started to listen to everyone that Keri is just a loony. The last time they were out here he told me that when he got back the first thing he would do is divorce her. They've been legal separated for a while now, though the divorce isn't final. She's trying to take him for everything he has, literally. All he wants, is his kids. Even now, him there, she's still trying to take more money. Stupid bitch! So anyway, when he gets back his intentions are on getting a great lawyer and fighting for custody of his daughters. Just now when I was talking to his mom, I found out that it's possible Keri may be re-married. Um, excuse me! Don't you have to be divorced from your husband before you go around marrying someone else? I don't know, that's just my insane gesture. Oh yeah! And the laws!! Anyway, I told his mom that I hope she did get re-married because it'll just play out in Angelo's favor when they take it to court. And fighting for the girls won't be a problem. Keri's ready to let them go. She has a 3rd child from this new guy. Yeah, all while she's been married. Isn't it terrific?! She say's she can't handle all three kids. A statement made also when she only had two. So I think things will go his way. Angelo is the most angelic person I know. And I know that God will do for him after all that he's endured. A man with only heart for the people around him. Someone who doesn't care what others think about him as long as he's making his loved one's happy. A person who has no problem expressing how he feels for others, even if it's his best friend. And believe me, my brother can be a pain in the ass with his friends! After what Keri, others and fighting this war have done, in the end Angelo will win. I think God has chosen this path for him because it's true that only the strong survive!
Until next time...
God Bless Angelo and our Soldiers fighting for us!
Whoa! How dumb am I?! I just noticed something. I said Angelo was the
most angelic person I know. ANGELO! It's even in the name! Sweet!
As some say...
There's signs all around you!
posted by Jenn Doll at 6:45 PM
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Just finished reading The Da Vinci Code. Did I like it? Yes, indeed I did. Do I recommend it? Yes, I do. Just remember, don't believe everything you read. This is by far one of the better books I've read. I bought it last Friday, 'bout 8 days ago. 105 chapters, plus the prologue and epilogue. I couldn't stop reading 'til I got to the end. I read 63 chapters just yesterday and 1/2 of today. So I'd say that means I liked it. So, for my first novel I liked it, a lot. But, I'd have to say that I still prefer true stories and or biographies. Anyhow, now that I'm done reading this book, I want to go out! Yeah, I know, I'm a dork. Blah! Blah! My friends talking shit while they were all down town asking each other, "where Jenn?" Making fun, "she's at home reading a book." Bastards! I'll teach you guys a thing or two! Haha! Anyhow, so now that I don't want to stay home and read I have an itch to go out. Oh no! It's my weekend to have Damian. Should I get a sitter? I think I might. It's a pretty bad itch. It's only 6. I'll watch tv with him for a while, play with him for a while, then I just might go out. With whom though? I want to go to Graham Central, I had a blast the last time I was there. But, Mariah doesn't like it there. And I haven't called the others to see where they are and what they're doing. Guess I should get started on the phone calls eh. Hope all you punks are having fun in Cali. tonight! If I remember correctly, tonight is the double birthday bash for Eric and Steve. I think there should be a moment of silence during the party, dedicated to me to honor my absence. Yeah, so this has been a rather boring post. So I shall set you free.
Until we meet again...
Fly away little birdie, fly away!
posted by Jenn Doll at 6:02 PM
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
New Mexico Skyline
I can see your face etched in the clouds. As I lay on my back ask why
This curse of blue skies and better days as to lay so far away
Our wrists wear the scars of broken hearts and faded promises
As we reach out for each other, longing to feel those fragile
I want to stare at the same star filled sky and see the way you see
These walls we have built so shimmering and strong are crumbling
But it's so easy with you..our hearts....our strength
So please just sit for awhile
What is it I could've done to pull you in to my heart
I'm not ready to fee this
You're not ready to feel this
But as we watch the sun set on our past
We look to a brighter horizon
A New Mexico Skyline
And I still reach to you. Would you reach for me?
As I wait to stare at your lips. The words spilling into the air
I want to see the mornings light play games with your skin
To catch you smiling back at me.
To hold you in the aftermath of a dark gray sky
Together I want us to feel something again Something more than
What is it I could've done to have met someone like you
All these ridiculous thoughts have never burned so true
If I could give all I have...I wouldn't think twice
And if this is all a dream...I promise I will never wake you...
Please help me figure out
What can come next for us
Can I kiss you?
Can I touch you?
Don't let time pass us by
Take my hand and we will figure this out
Watch the sun disappear over
The New Mexico Skyline.
Song By "Gabe"
(There are a couple of words missing, when I printed it
they got cut off. But if I manage to get them, I'll fix it)
posted by Jenn Doll at 4:11 PM
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Wake Up Call!
So I go out Saturday night, get trashed, stay on the phone forever with a REALLY cool person, 'til say, oh after 4 am. Gotta be at work by 6:30 am. Nothing new. I do it all the time! Never have problems getting there the day after I go out. So, I'm passed out and I hear the doorbell along with my cell ringing. I look at the clock, it's 7:45! I look at my caller ID, it says Sheriff's Department. So I answer the phone and it's my supervisor. I tell her I'm sorry and I'll be there in a bit. Meanwhile, I'm walking to the door at the same time. I open it, low and behold, who's standing there. . .a freakin' cop! One I happen to know at that. So my supervisor asks if there's an officer at the door and I'm like "yeah!" She says, "sorry, but I had to." I'm like, "I know, I know." So I let him in and he's like, "What are you doing?! Last night must have been good?!" I tell him something along the line of "shit, I must have been comatose." He tells me that his Sgt. sent him out here, atypical behavior stuff. He was told that if I'm ever late it's only a few minutes and I always call in. So they were worried. How sweet!! I really AM special!! Don't hate, don't hate. So, I thought I'd share that little saga featuring Jenn with you. I hope you're laughing as hard as my friends will be when they hear about it. Especially Cristina! Not only is she my friend, but also a co-worker and the cherry on top, she used to date that cop! So thanks for keeping me on the phone all night! It was worth it! I'd do it again!
Until next time. . .
Sleep really IS over rated!
posted by Jenn Doll at 4:10 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Saw KISS in concert last night! As well as Poison! Bleh, to those of you
who are ewwing or naying! I had lots and lots of fun! The tickets were $35,$55 and $85. I got in for $5! How? I'm just cool like that! Or the county gave us passes for $5, but still. So anyhow, I went with Aaron(Ross's uncle), Patrick (his cousin), Devon (his other cousin), Joe (his neighbor), Josh (his best friend), and Britney (Josh's date). They all love me! My brother his girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, and two of their other friends also met us there. We all had a beer or 4 or more and rocked out! Yes, I said rocked out! I really went to see Poison, but Kiss ended up kicking ass! Although, I still enjoyed Poison, gimme something to believe in from the Lord above! Okay, I just had to throw in a verse from the old school. But yeah, Poison was cool. There was this other band before them that I don't believe I've ever heard of, but they did alright. So anyhow, Kiss came out and tore up! For being older guys they still got it! They had some sweet pyro-technics, some flying in the air and over the crowd. It was quite the vast crowd too. It was at our Pavilion. Man made it is, but it's nice. When they played the God gave you rock 'n roll song, they had all these legendary singers on the screens. From the Rolling Stones, to Led Zeppelin and lots more. It was old concerts 'n stuff like that. It was kickass. Actually, it was chilling when they were showing them (Kiss) when they were first out. How they've been around forever and STILL they managed to allure an audience such as last night. Not to mention, an audience of all ages and kinds. I'm really glad I went. I hadn't seen good entertainment in a long time! I was expecting some decent stuff, but it turned out to be better. I didn't get to bed 'til about 3:30 am though. So here I am at work, debilitated yet AGAIN, but at least this time it was worth it. Now I want to go to more concerts. And I think Audioslave should hurry up and make more CD's so they can start touring. I'm waiting and ready! So be happy for me, I had fun! FINALLY!
Until next time. . .
I wanna rock 'n roll all night and party everyday!!
posted by Jenn Doll at 10:10 PM
Monday, June 14, 2004
California, there I went!
Okay, this blog won't be depressing. I got my pictures back from California, and I am agitated. There are pictures not there that I know I took. Many of them are blurry and in the ones I'm in, I don't like how I look. The best ones are for my birthday. Unfortunately I didn't get those on cd, so I have to go back AGAIN and see if they can still do it. I took them for the one hour photo and the lazy bitch said they were backed up. So, that's not my problem! Finally, I'm like hell with it, I'll leave them for the 2 day. I emphasize, 2 days! Well, I took them on Tuesday, didn't get them 'til Sunday. So I spend almost 50 bucks and the quality blows. I never hated Wal-Mart, 'til now! I hope Target takes over! (Not going to happen, but I can dream.) So anyhow, I really want to see the ocean again! And I wish I could go back to Lancaster just to hang out. Since I've seen the views now. I had an absolutely great time. Had it not been for Damian (my son), I wouldn't care if I'd come back or not. It was so nice being where no one knows you. Not to mention, where I didn't know anyone. No history, no nothing! It kind of makes me sad though, it's like I wish I could start over. If I didn't have Damian, I would be out of here! While I was out there, I was reminded that there are people who have goals other then to see what guy or girl they're gonna meet next. Like, trying to get a band started and real goals as such. Out here, goals are like, um...I don't know. But the ocean is there, and I thank Gabe with all my heart for showing it to me. I actually thought I would never see it. It's so powerful! That's all I kept thinking. Powerful and neverending. Just wonders of beauty. Oh yeah! I got to see a seal too! A "wild" one. Meaning not at the zoo. The bums there are even talented! They don't just stand on the corner with some sign. They use what they have. For instance, one made this insane Buddah out of sand. The detail was unbelievable! Another spoke his political mind in the sand, with sand sculptures as well as writings. He had statements about the war. A third was juggling. They made me want to give them money. I got to have one of the best tasting Sex On the Beach mix drinks on the pier! That was great. Actually, it was phenomenal. I never in my life thought I'd be sitting in the middle of the ocean, per say, having a drink. WOW! Even the bedraggled pigeons couldn't ruin it. Actually, it was quite entertaining when one took a dump on this younger guy and his friends got quite the kick out of it. This was all in Santa Barbara. It's gorgeous there. Some of the people seem "upitty," nothing that bothers me though. Gabe's friends were awesome too. They were all very welcoming. None of them seem to judge either. Well maybe one person, but she's someone who is judged, or something. Anyhow, and Dan (his brother), the one I was a bit intimidated to meet, he's an awesome guy. He was more drunk then I, but that's the fun part! He can handle his though! His girlfriend Marleigh was just wonderful to me, as were her friends. Very sarcastic I might add! And I love sarcasm. It was great. They managed to make me laugh quite a bit. Although I didn't get to juice anyone for any "Gabe stories." His best friend Eric is an awesome guy too. I like that he gets my sarcasm. He still owes me for wishing my death though! He made me puke! For real, watch out for that one! I got to go to Maxtons. This almost invisible bar. Yet many people were drawn there. It was nice. I don't do that out here. Go to bars where we sit and conversate that is. I'm always at clubs here. To busy running around and dancing to talk. I liked it though. I got to know people a little bit. Including Jason, probably one of the more drunk people there. Jason got a shot of my best friend's boob. Haha, Go Jason! It's my fault, I took the picture and they snuck it away to see it. But she'll live! Rick I admired. Only because of what Gabe told me. How his band was "known" out there. And they were so close to "making it." Gabe talks nothing but good about his friends. They all have so much drive! It's insane! Whether it be for a band or to finish school. It was almost intimidating to be around some of them. Marleigh, Dan and their friends, all in college and doing stuff for themselves! It was quite captivating. Gabe's dad was just awesome to me. He got me a bottle of Cabo Wabo for my birthday! I was definitely not expecting that. He also made me feel very welcome and comfortable. Well and last but not least there's Gabe. He was perfect! He respected me and my wishes. He spent more on me then every guy I've ever dated put together! It's not about the money either, it's the fact that he wanted to do it. For those of you that know me, that was extremely hard for me to do. But for the first time ever, I let someone pay. It actually taught me something. That sometimes when people want to do something it's because they appreciate me. It was so nice. I can't find the words to say how much of a great time I had. What sucks the most is I can't say thank you enough. It makes me crazy! I just hope that it is known how much I really do appreciate it. It was an experience I will NEVER forget. Until next time...
Powerful is the ocean, as are the minds of new friends!
posted by Jenn Doll at 5:33 PM
Thursday, June 10, 2004
(I actually wrote this before the last post/e-mail to Angelo and forgot to post it)
It's been far to long. My stomach has been turning for days now. Last night was just a really sad night for me. Can't stop wondering if he's ok. And if he is, why hasn't he made contact? I realized I haven't been eating. Wow,that's a change.I'm not the type to not eat when I'm feeling down, I'm the opposite. But I just don't have much of an apetite. And when I do, nothing sounds good. Yeah, I know this is a depressing post. I also know that people don't ever see this side of me, but this is just something I can't put past me. Well I don't see how anyone could.It's hard because I don't want to deal with anything else. When someone tries to tell me their sad and petty problems I do listen, but in the back of my mind I can only think "wow,how selfish." Here these people (I won't say specific names) are wanting the world to stop for them, when there's "real" promblems out there. Well, sorry but right now I just don't want to hear it. I know, I can't live like there's no life to live until the war is over, but I can learn from it. I can learn that my problems really aren't that bad. That there's people out there wondering if they'll make it to the next. Both civilian and soldier. So maybe you can sit back and think about it. Just this once,try not to be selfish. You just might like how you feel after. Well, it's time to go. Until next time...
Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat anything if you can help it.
posted by Jenn Doll at 9:01 PM
Dear Angelo. . .
Hey Angelo, it's me. I just can't get you off of my mind lately. It's been pretty bad for me. I just need to know that you're ok. I guess I messed up by watching We Were Soldiers. That wasn't smart of me. Not to mention I watched it alone. I have been praying for you and everyone else out there.I've been reading on-line diaries of people who live there and what's going on. I like to read them because they tell us what the news doesn't. Nothing to big. Though I read that there is still lots of killing and bombing. I just hope and pray to hear from you soon! We all love you and want you to come home. I don't even know if you've gotten my letter(s) or e-mails. I don't know if I send you a package if you'll get it. I wanted to send you one next week when I get paid. I'm sorry I haven't been able to send you more. But I've put in lots of overtime this week so I should be able to send you some stuff, even if it's not too much. I know it's a lot to ask but if you are getting my e-mails or letters, PLEASE try somehow to let me know that you're okay. Everyone keeps saying that you're okay and that I'll hear
from you soon. I'm not losing hope that it'll be soon, but I am building up inside me more fear, anger and sadness. I can't even function right. Everyone's always asking me what's wrong and telling me I sound and look tired. Well you know I can't just be burden them with my problems, so I just tell them I'm over worked. Which, by the way, is also true. I don't want you to worry about me or any of us and only yourself, but I just want to hear your voice, or get a letter or even an e-mail with the words I'm okay. Until then, I will wait only to hear those words so that I might live another "normal" day. I will wonder why things have to be this way. I will definitely anticipate the Ball. Where again I say, "Angelo's going to let me be Cinderella for a night, and he will by my Knight." You are more then that, you are my Angel. All of you out there are Angels to us all here. I hope you know how important you are to me/us.Although you have always been. I hope that when you come back you teach me and everyone around you the values of life and how much we should appreciate it. You know, it's been years since I've gotten on my knees and prayed. The other day I cried for hours wondering if you're okay. I got this overwhelming feeling and the next thing I knew I was on my knees praying for your safe return home as well as all our other Soldiers out there. Also for the safety of the innocent Iraqi's. I have been slacking on going to Church,but I will be there tonight. And I will ask the Pastor to pray for you as and individual as well as the others. Angelo, I give you my commitment to be
there for you 100% when you come home. To help you through all that you've been through. To try and make it as easy as possible. I know that you said you should be coming back in or around October, I am saving vacation so that I can be there in California waiting for you when you get off your plane. So if you have any idea when that is, please let me know. I hope that I haven't made anything harder for you, but I just felt as though I had to let you know. And I again need to remind you that you're very loved and missed. Also, that we've all been praying for you. Until we meet again. . .
May God Bless You All!
posted by Jenn Doll at 8:48 PM
Sunday, June 06, 2004
I seem to have mastered...
the art of being unorganized. My life is so unorganized right now. ALL of it! I just can't get back on track no matter how hard I try. I can't get my bills in the same order I used to have them. I can't even get something like my room cleaned. I have clothes everywhere right now. I definitely can't get a sleeping pattern, not that I've ever had one. I just don't sleep anymore. I feel great if I manage to get in 5 hours. I can't even sleep when my son isn't here. That's when I should be taking advantage of it too. But nooo! I don't know what's going on! I don't have the energy to do anything either. Work, but that's because I have no choice. I don't want to drive anywhere, I don't want to do anything, I don't even get ready anymore. Maybe I need to start eating my Wheaties and taking some Flinstone vitamins. My social life is just as unorganized, it seems as though I never keep my promises with friends anymore. Well that could be due to the fact that I'm tired of being the one always being there. I'm not saying they need to be there for me, but I guess my shoulders need a break. Especially financially! My friends seem to think that I work in a profession that pays me at high dollar. And I've just recently started to realize that some have gotten use to me always paying. Lately, I've been like avoiding saying "I got it," or "don't worry" and it seems to freak some of them out. Well, I didn't realize it but I spend A LOT of money on my friends. I mean I don't mind and some do return the favor when they can. But I need to get my priorties straight. Well I know what they should be, but I need to get back on that track. I'm broke! Do you know that I've never had to say that?! No, I'm not rich, but I do alright. And I usually don't have a problem getting what I need or want. That goes for myself or my son, and I am having that problem and I don't like it. I've been working tons of over time. But hey, it's only my fault. I guess I'll be working the OT for a while. Going in at 3am and getting out at 3pm. Twelve hours isn't that bad. So hopefully I'll get my shit together real soon. With my financial situation, my friends, even my love life. I can say, that I've actually had the chance to watch tv though! I hadn't done that in ages. Not that I watch anything other then some show that remodels cars or houses! But hey, that's what tickles my fancy so shush. I need to get off my ass and give this house a really good cleaning. But that's frustrating, given it'll be dirty withing the following two days. Oh well, it needs to be done. I finally got my son to his first dental appointment. He has a cavity that they're gonna crown. I knew it though. This kid wants to live off of junk food and when he's at grandma's (dads mom) he gets to live it up. I mean he doesn't eat strictly vegetables here, but he knows he can go hungry if he's crying for just junk food. I know, I'm a mean Mom! Oh stop! He's a big boy and it's for his own good. Tough love! And it seems as though I'm the only one with that capability when it comes to my son, so I gotta do what I gotta do! Dad's tough love comes differently. It's not always tough love, sometimes he's just an ass. But whatever, he was born one! But I won't go there. Maybe one of these days but not now. Well it's late and I'm sure I won't sleep, SO I guess I'll get some bills paid. Yet again, another broke week. So until next time...
Keep your shit straight, it's easier that way!
posted by Jenn Doll at 10:43 PM
I shouldn't be this mad...
at a computer! I just typed for like 20 minutes about my Friday night. My computer freezes and I lose it! That is the 2nd time. Maybe blogging isn't for me? Or something. The last one took me an hour and got lost in the e-mail morgue. Now this one. It really urks me. And I'm even more mad that I'm mad about a blog! Damn he who got me started with blogging! I kid! I kid! Actually, thanks, it's been keeping me busy. Well I don't want to type about my night again so this shall be it for now. BUT, one of these days it will let me put more then just a poem or song that's already been written without any problems. Because quite frankly, other then my first blog that's all there's been. JUNK I say, JUNK! Until next time...
Don't be all crazy, it's only a blog! Pfft, I'm still mad!
posted by Jenn Doll at 12:53 AM
Thursday, June 03, 2004
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe...that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I believe...that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe...that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe...that you can keep going long after you can't.
I believe...that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I believe...that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe...that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe...that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe...that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe...that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe...that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe...that no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become.
I believe...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe...that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.
I believe...that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I believe...that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I believe...that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe...that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I believe...that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I live by this. I don't see how anyone can argue anything said.
posted by Jenn Doll at 7:39 PM
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Can't find it
I wrote a lot today! I did it while I was at work. I'm almost positive that I sent it to my home e-mail. But I guess almost doesn't count. I hope I've just misplaced it, because it took over an hour! You'll soon see that I'm a blabber! So I don't know if that's a plus for a blogger? Well until I find it, or decide I want to write that much again.
Life's too short to live it mad!
posted by Jenn Doll at 9:27 PM
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Spend all your time waiting...
for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight life that everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
It brings me to my knees
In the arms of the Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here...
Angel by Sara McLachlan
posted by Jenn Doll at 8:07 PM
He once said. . .
in yet another anticipated e-mail, “But other then my sweet sorrow, yesterday is gone, just waiting for tomorrow.” As though to make it a joke, he then said, “See, see, see, I can be a poet!” This sentence he wrote, in the midst of his writing, basically “out of the blue.” After this sentence, he then continued on with the e-mail as he had started it, as though nothing was wrong. It saddened me when I read this, and does ‘til this day. It’s the one e-mail I haven’t deleted, the one that wanders my mind. What’s he trying to tell me? Was it really a joke? Is he losing his mind out there? Does he sit in silence, in his sweet sorrow? He’s fighting a war, for “our” freedom “they” say. Am I pro for this war, am I con? Is there and can there be a feeling of in-between when it comes to death? War is death, in my little head. And I know that the only thing that we’re guaranteed in life is death. But what ARE we dying for out there? What IS the sole purpose of this undesired war? Is there a sole purpose? Freedom? Are we not free? Have we ever been? A plethora of questions, an answer to none. I can’t even begin to fathom his questions and thoughts. Nor would I begin to try. I know I’d have to go through what he has to have any idea. The last time I heard from him was on Mother’s Day. A phone call that sadly I missed. He left a brief message wishing me a happy mother’s day. Leaving me with a feeling of emptiness, with emotions of all kinds. Joy to hear his voice and know that he’s alive; sadness to think that he still makes time to wish ME a happy mother’s day. He’s over there for me, for us, with thoughts of his demise, and still he doesn’t put himself first. He’s told me that his everyday now is only to survive. He and the rest out there, who fight for us to live even as we do even right now. And still we complain. Who are we to complain? What gives us the right? Our “freedom”? I’ve noticed that recently I don’t want to go out or have fun. I started to question myself, given I’m a very out-going person. I then started to realize that he’s out there with his life on the line and I’m here having a drink, laughing amongst friends. Then I heard someone say, ‘we have to go on with our lives, that’s why they’re out there,' a statement that puzzled my thoughts. Is that how they feel, is that what they’d want? Well, I know him well and I know that’s what he’d want. So I try to “go on.” It’s not easy to do. It’s all over the news; it’s everywhere you turn. The news was nothing I’d ever paid attention to before this war. Now I find my self buried in the stories of the recent fallen soldiers. With chills running up my spine, I read about the fallen soldier whose only dream was to have a house and a family, a dream that will never be. Tears fill my eyes as I continue to read, his pregnant wife gave birth to their daughter 3 months after his death. The chills don’t stop as I read about the soldier who gave up fortune, fame and his life for us. Well Simon was out there for a year and has made it home. Now I await the return of Angelo. I no longer look at Simon as just another good friend. When I look at him I see a hero, a man with no end. His whole hearted smile and his kind, silly words. After what he has seen and what he has been through he is still the strong personality I knew before he went there. Also the man in my good friend’s life, she who waited faithfully all that time. When Angelo comes home, another hero I shall know. An Angel in my life is what he has come to be.
In My Silent Reverie…
posted by Jenn Doll at 6:30 PM