Jenn's Reverie

Today's been one of those day's. Or should I say nights, given I slept all damn day like a jackass. On my way in to work I was listening to the "Quiet Storm." The radio station's out here all have some time where they play slow jams. I love it more than anything. One problem, they make me think. So on my way in, my wheels started spinning. I am always amazed at how music affects a person. Anyway, since I'm listening to slow jam's and already in a "weird" mood, relationship's pop in to my mind. Not that I'm in one, nor right now do I want to be. But when the lonely kicks it, it can be rough. It's like you're just yearning for someone's arms to be wrapped around you, and you just feel so safe and protected. You know they feel the same, so it makes it that much more intense. It's been a really long time since someone's wrapped their arms around me and gave me those great butterflies in the pit of my stomach, while I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and wish for it to never end. Maybe all of this came out of the in depth conversation I had this morning. But it came. I really need to start working on bringing down my wall. It's been up and holding strong for well over two years now. After giving seven years of my life to someone that I now realize only killed my spirit and who I am, I just can't bring it down. Yeah, I know. It makes me not so affectionate. When I hear one tell me how much they care about me, I hear it, I feel it, but I put in the back somewhere not to be found. I don't say much about my feelings when it comes to that of someone who may have feelings for me. If I do that, then it makes me vulnerable to them. I don't want to be vulnerable to anyone. It opens the door for hurt. I know that not every guy/man I meet is the same, but I have to look out for me. Because I grew up with my ex from the ages of 15 to 22, who looked out for only him. He knew he had me and I wasn't going anywhere any time soon. I think these are critical ages in a person's life. You're growing from a child, to a teen, followed by adulthood. I didn't get to that. I was too busy being in love with the person I wasn't meant to be in love with. No, I don't regret it, but it hurts. And if I had the chance, I'd do things differently. But who wouldn't? Mainly because I wonder if I'd be a different person today. I wonder how many good guys I've passed up. If I let "the one" slip through. And if I'm still doing that today. But then again, I believe that the one you're supposed to be with, if there ever is that one, will be there when they're supposed to be. I didn't start become who I really am until the age of 22, while others had been doing that for the past two, three years. So even now, at the age of 25 I am still learning who I am when it comes to love. What I want, who I want and why I want them. I guess I'll just know when I know. . .

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion
What becomes of the broken-hearted
Who had love that's now departed. . .