Jenn's Reverie

Thursday, December 30, 2004

* Happy New Year *
FINALLY! These inveterate day's come to their end! It is 11:02 am, 30th of December, 2004, the time in which I have worked 28 days straight, to include 12 & 16 hour shifts are over! Not to mention, tomorrow at midnight rings in the new year. Though, I wasn't speaking of the year as inveterate. I will be staying home this weekend. Well, I'm actually back to work on Saturday night. After working all these insane hours I feel like just staying in with my son to ring in the new year. I also volunteered to baby sit my 4 week and 6 year old nieces. I'm really excited to spend time with my son and the girls. Tonight, I'm gonna go over to Valerie's and have a beer or ten. Since I'm STILL here at work, I'm gonna stay up 'til tonight and just run errands the rest of the day. I'm headed over to Mariah's to check out the rock that she got and give her a congratulation hug on her engagement. It's been a couple of months that I've seen her. Pretty sad huh? Anyhow, hope you all ring in the new year with a bang. Be careful and have tons-o-fun! Much love!
See you next year! (hardy har)
posted by Jenn Doll at 11:02 AM 3 comments

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Missions for the McRib

Haven't been in the blogging mood. It could be due to the horrificly long post I did previos to this. Anyhow, sorry 'bout not being up to par with the comments on your blogs. But I promise I've read your new posts, Gabe, Eric, Jamie, Jay, Stell, Chelle, Rae, anyone I may have missed.

So last night I went to McDonald's to get Sharon and I a McRib since they're back! When I get there and after I order, the girl tells me they can't take my debit card because they're "doing the registers." So I have to go to the ATM, which thankfully was only across the street. I go back to McD's and have to reorder. The car in front of me died-out. So this guy is pushing his car, or trying to, but not making much progress because he's trying to steer at the same time, not to mention the slight hill. So I watch him and when he finally gets somewhat out of the way, I pull up to the window. I couldn't just continue watching as he pushed and the car would roll back. I got out of my car and left it at the drive through and helped him push it to the gas station, that thankfully was next door. I guess he just needed gas. When I got out to push he seemed to not understand English too well, or was very shy or embarrassed and wouldn't say much. He said, "you steer and I'll push from behind." I said, "oh no, YOU steer and I'LL push from behind." So that's what we did. I run back to my car and jump in and the girl at McD's gives me my food while we watch the guy I had just helped pull back around through the drive through for his. After giving me my food, she said, "Thank you, have a nice night. Come back and see us." I wanted to take off, but instead I said, "You haven't charged me yet." So I paid her and came to work. I mean the McRib is good, but it's not like THAT good. Sheesh. So anyway, I was a good samaritan twice in less than 10 minutes. Hopefully I'll get my karma and NOT have to damn work so freakin' much. I woke up with a cold and have had headaches daily. And the worst part, haven't spent much, if any time with my son this week :'( Boo. All the working has finally taken it's toll on me. I'll still have to be here for 12 hours from Wednesday night into Thursday afternoon. Next week I'll be off FINALLY! Woot!

Hope you all had a great Christmas!

posted by Jenn Doll at 1:32 AM 6 comments

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Reflecting '04. . .Finding Me


Well hello there! It is actually a 1/2 hour past Christmas as I start this. Well, depending on where it is you live. Damn time zones. I'm not good with that stuff. Katie's a pro though. Well, sad enough I'm here at work. It wasn't sad 'til I found out that by the time I leave tomorrow I'll have worked 16 1/2 hours. Sweet! Then by the time I get home I'll have a whole 6 hours before I have to get back in my car and come back. I'm so excited. And there's a 90% chance that I'll be working from 10:30pm 'til 3:00pm AGAIN the following day! Yes! So then I'll have a whole 6 more hours on Monday when I get to come back for more! THEN on Friday, my day off, I'll be here for 12 hours instead of the normal 8! Woohoo! So by the weekend AFTER the new year I'll have worked roughly 28 day's straight to include two 16 1/2 hour shifts, one 12 hour shift AND three 8 hour shifts on my day's off! Oh my! I'm sooo excited. Sleep? What's that? I really am so thrilled I can't contain myself. Working for the government has SO many benefits! I mean, for one, you NEVER sleep and that means you don't miss out on anything. That means anytime any of your friends need someone to talk to, they call you because they know you're ALWAYS up. Big paycheck you say? Yeah, I guess. They'll wax me on taxes. I'll be even more excited to see that they take a good 3 to 4hundred dollars if not more from me. YES! Give me a second to throw a flip. . . .Okay, I'm done. I had to express my joy and excitment! So, it looks as though this is how I'm ending the year.
So it is now the 26th of December, 2004. Good God, there are day's that I still freak out when I write the date of year. 2004?! What happen to the 90's? I freak out even more when I say I was born in '79. But it's still not as bad as when I say my son is 6 years old. Everytime I'm forced to say that, I have to take a moment as I gasp for air and think, 'where'd the other five years go?' It seems like only yesterday I had just brought home my new born son. Literally. Damian is in Kindergardten this year and has done amazing. He's well above average and makes me very proud. He reads at a beginning 2nd grade level as he does his writing, counting and much more. He had a baby brother this year. One of the many experiences of '04 for me. It was at the end of 2003 when I found out his dad was having another baby. A time when I was still in the process of fading him out of my life, but close to him completely disappearing. As far as me caring or missing him went. When I found out the news, it didn't bother me too much because she had been playing the, "I'm pregnant" game, then finding out she wasn't for roughly a year. So as time went on it was found out that she actually was this time. It didn't bother me none, until I heard she was in labor. Now I'm not sure why and still don't know why, because I didn't miss him at all by this time, but, this drove me mad for about an hour. Yeah, an hour. I mean, my first love, the father of my child, the guy I gave 7 years of my life to was having a baby with someone else. The time of labor was also unexpected because she went into a premature labor by month. After an hour of uncontrollable crying I found myself feeling a sigh of relief. Maybe I had needed to let out the cry since she had first become pregnant. I went through the thoughts of, "I'm just another statistic. A single mom. A father that's not there. And now he has a half-brother." Nice! Eventually, I thought "fuck statistcs and what society say's." When I first met the baby I thought I'd cry or feel weird or out-of-place. Not the case at all. Though, as his family watched, it brought tears to their eyes. They all loved/love me so much and wished it was me. Not to mention that they can't stand her because of all the drama she's brought to their very family oriented lives. So anyhow, after about 2 years of being single, towards at the end of the beginning of this year, I one day realized that I was completely over Ross. Wow, I thought that day wouldn't never come. I don't know that there was a specific day when I felt that, but I know that eventually I didn't think about him AT ALL. Eventually, I didn't miss him AT ALL. And eventually I didn't care. I even started to question whether or not I was ever IN love. Now that I've experienced so much more, I know that I wasn't ever IN love with him. I did love him with all my heart. But I came to realize that I was just a 15 year old girl who grew to the age of 22 with this guy and hadn't had the chance to experience life. I'm not saying highschool sweethearts are too young and should wait, but at times I believe that when you're in a serious relationship at such a young age, it takes away from other life learning experiences. Maybe good, maybe bad. But I know that I didn't even begin to find myself until after he was gone. I partied like a crazed girl who had just turned 21 and thrived on the attention from different guys. I drank and loved the feeling of being drunk because it distorted my thoughts while I was around others. I set myself free, so I thought. Mariah and I went through the big break-ups together and did the partying together and you name it. We binged on the club scene hard. Most of it in '03 but it continued to this year. At some point I started slowing down and started to analyze my life. It was then that I realized the partying was how I tried to fill voids. Ross was my void. So as soon as that void was filled, simply by time not partying, and I started analyzing my life, I thought 'I'm 24 almost 25 and I'm reading to find myself. Who am I really? I'm not this person who all she wants to do is drink and party. I'm not the person who sits at home and drowns in her self-pitty. I'm the person who wants to live life to the fullest and play the cards she's dealt. I'm the person who wants to make the best of what is in front of her, no matter how bad it may be. I'm the person who wants the company she keeps to understand and love her. I'm a mom, first and fore-most." So it's then that I started to look for who I am and make these changes and trying to balance out my life. Thank God it started at the end of the beginning of the year. I don't know that I could have kept drinking the way I was. I was runnin' with the big dogs! RUFF! Haha.
This was also the year of the internet for me. Which, actually started and escalted in 2003. I was one of those, "anyone who meets anyone on the internet is crazy. They're losers. They have no life. Poor things." Well, if that's the case, I'm crazy, I'm a loser and I have no life. Poor me. I had been "talking" to Mr. Gabe for roughly three years. "Met" in a chat room looking for some conversation about music. Went back here and there, and found myself getting to "know" more "chat people." Another bad perception of mine, "you can't get to know someone on a computer." EEHH, wrong answer AGAIN Jennifer! Yeah, Jennifer. It's what I get when someone's yelling at me. Anyhow, I had been talking to the little Mrs. Ariel for the same amount of time and Katie too. Katie and I didn't talk much back in the day because she only made fun of me, come to realize that's what she does for a living, I gave up and started to love her silly ass. I would go into chat (Music Lobby 1) pretty regularly. Instead of watching TV, this is what I did. I became of the "regs" or "regulars." Good Lord I remember nights where I laughed so hard I thought I'd pee myself. Chat drama and much more. Better than TV? Hell yeah! So anyhow as Gabe and I started to get to know eachother more and talked on the phone more and so forth he one day presented the question of, "Let's meet?" I was very adament about it. It wasn't happening. By this point he wasn't someone from the internet. He was a friend, but still. I mean, I have a problem meeting someone out here and going to visit. That doesn't happen. When I meet someone out here, it's guaranteed that our first few meetings will be in public. And no, you can't pick me up, I'll meet you there. Take some friends, I'm sure to. Thus making it hard to keep anyone around. Maybe I'm too careful? So after discussing it with my three at the time closest friends and getting "Just go Jenn! You've been talking to him forever!" I seriously started thinking about it. One of my friends I knew would say 'do it' 'cause, well just 'cause. The other two surprised me. So one day I woke up and thought, "Fuck it, I'm going to meet him." So I told Gabe that I wanted to meet him and we made plans for me to go out there, ALONE. Oh my. It was weird though because I already knew him, I just had never seen him physically standing in front of me. Eventually I flew out to CA where he lives and met him. Was I nervous? Well YEAH! Was he? Of course. But after being in his truck for 10 minutes I felt as comfortable as ever. It was just Gabe. Not some stranger of the net. The trip in itself was an amazing experience and unforgettable memory. Gabe respected my every wish and treated me with nothing but respect, as did his family and friends. He also made one of my life dreams come true, he showed me the ocean. So I had met someone off of the internet and further formed a great relationship with a great person. As he said in his blog he ran the gammant of emotions with me, but hey we're human, not just some words on a computer screen. After some time away we started talking again and got back right to where we started on the net years ago. I definately consider him one of my bestfriends. He knows alot about me, like I do about him. And I feel comfortable telling him some of my life situations and how I feel about things. Plus he likes to let me THINK I'm always right. Who could ask for anything more? Through Gabe I met Eric, who I've also came to know very well. I met Eric the first time I went out to CA to meet Gabe and he stayed with us and my friend the entire time I went out the second time. He's great and a Gemini! Plus he's a twin and someday I'll get ask him all the twin questions like, "Do you feel the pain when she's in pain?" Or, "Do you like the same guys?" And man have I had some laughs with him. Especially when we talk online because we all know how fun it is to call eachother names in a PM/IM box and put one of those damn Yahoo smiley's. Eric wants to be like me, but he THINKS I want to be like him. He's just always doing things like me at the same time as me or thinking what I'm thinking right when I'm thinking it. I think he's stalking my brain. So I can't even think without worring that he'll tell on me. Sheesh. It's no wonder Gabe and Eric are bestfriends and have been for the past 10 years. They're both awesome and hella good looking. And I got to meet them all because of the net! I feel like I've also gotten to know Katie and Bill pretty damn well, as they have me. Katie moreso than Bill. When of them is sad I'm sad. When they're happy, I'm happy. Awww! We fight like brothers and sisters. Only we're not brothers and sisters so we can take it to other levels. It's so great. I wouldn't think twice about meeting Katie or Bill. As a matter-of-fact, Katie and I like to play out little scenario's of what would happen if the three of us met. I think Bill couldn't handle us, but who knows. So I keep an open mind to meeting the two of them. Bill just may be some crazy, perveted old man, but I think Katie and I would take him. I do consider you two a friend. Now quit being all mushy 'cause I'm going to. I also find myelf wondering how some of the "regs" that I haven't spoken to in a while are. I found that alot of us would tell eachother some of what was going on in our lives and so on. I keep in touch with alot of them. Alot of who I press to get a blog. Hey, what can you say?! Chat is no longer the fun place we would go to to make fun of other chatters and scare them off. No one goes in there anymore, so we might as well blog right?! It's a form of chatting and we still get to talk shit to eachother. So we're all cyber/net geeks/dorks, so fuckin' what?! Other people just don't chat or blog because they don't know how to work a computer damnit! I'm glad Gabe introduced me to blogging because of it, here we all are today. Yeah Gabe, you started it, but I took it over! Haha. So anyhow, this year I've grown to "love" many because of the net and this is the first year I'm not embarrassed to say so. I'm a cyber-geek and I stand proud. Bitches.
Tattoo's and piercing's for will ring in '05 as they started this year. I'm hooked. I got my first sometime in '03. This year when I went to Phoenix I got my second. A few weeks later found myself getting my third. Not too long after I was at "Stacy's" getting my lip pierced because my tongue piercing seemed boring. And not very long after I was in CA getting my third tatoo covered up with my fourth. And when I left the tattoo shop there I was already planning on my fourth. This year is also the year I stopped worrying about being "pretty." I still care, for sure, but I'm learning to deal with my insecurities. This will be a tough one to overcome and may take years, but I'll get there. It's a promise to myself. I won't be happy with just being okay with me physically, so I will have to get BACK to the gym and so forth. But I'll do it. I have to. I don't want to fail at the goals I've set for myself. I find myself not wearing makeup much. Or actually ever, unless I'm going out that is. Yeah sometimes I think, "Damn, I should have gotten ready today." But that feeling lasts a whole 10 seconds then I could care less. It's not that I don't care what I look like, it's just that I'm not worried about it. Looks really shouldn't matter. I've really learned that this year. Not that I've ever judged people based off of looks, but I always made sure I was presented in way that I would be judged based off of mine. If you can't get passed my messy hairdo, your loss.
Text messaging. Yeah, I know. I've talked about it before. But all I have to say about text messaging and this year is if it weren't for text messaging I don't think I'd be where I'm at right now. Yeah, I don't like doing that "if's" or "what if's" because for whatever reason text messages got big when they did and here I am. I just know that because of text messaging I got to know people better. At times when at work or just not being able to talk, you can always text message. It's like they're at your side all day because you can send a text simply saying "Hi" and get the same reply back. It's a sense of knowing they're there. I know weird, but maybe some of you understand. Also, as I mentioned before, it seems as though it's easier to say what you want on a text. Good or bad. I've had all out wars with my friend through texts. Things I know at times neither would be brave enough to tell eachother. I've also had full blown indepth conversation through texts. Hey, it's kinda like an instant message. So yeah, I love text messages.
This year I've learned to be confident in who I am mentally. I've learned that there are people who care what I have to say. I've learned that some even find what I have to say invaluable to them. That in itself is enough to make me die happy. I've learned that I'm someone who likes to be liked, which I've always known, but now I know there's nothing wrong with that. I've learned to take a gift when given one. Well, kinda. It's still hard for me to accept gifts. I'm a giver, what can you say?! I LOVE to give. Whether it's a bought gift, my love, my help, my anything I can give. I guess the great feeling that comes to follow is what makes me want to give. Knowing I've made someone happy is enough. I guess that also falls into play with wanting to be liked.
Music! This year I was introduced to many new worlds of music. Thanks to those on the net, again! I've always listened to and a love for every genre or what have you, but I guess I was missing out on all that's behind the mainstream. I never did look passed that. I was introduced and/or found artists from Portishead to Bjork, Ryan Adams, Chris Cornell, Dave Navarro and MANY, MANY more. I'm still trying to get in all the music/artists I've been recommended. I just can't keep up. Yeah, most of you don't care for the hiphop stuff, but I still have a love for it. As I said, I listen to EVERYTHING. And I know that most say that and mean they listen to a couple different genre's, but for me to say that I listen to ALMOST everything would be an understatment. I find something in all types of music to appreciate. I rock everything from what I named before to country, classical, all types of spanish, some hardcore and then some. So in the past xx months my CD collection has went from a mere 10-15 to roughly 150. And I'm just getting started baby! I open to more recommendations, but I still gotta get some Jeff Buckley and other's that I hear oh so much about. I'll get there, eventually. The day's run short.
Friends. If put simply, they come a dime a dozen. A true friend will hurt you once in a while and you have to learn to forgive them for that. But in a lifetimen, true friends can be counted with one hand. True friends aren't the one's who you give all your time to and talk to more on the phone. They aren't the ones who lend you their clothes and tell you you're pretty. A true friend is a true friend simply because they give you a shoulder to cry on. A true friend appreciates you for you. A true friend loves you and ALL of you. They don't judge you with anything you do. One that actually listens when you talk. One that hurts when you hurt. One that's happy when you're happy. My true friends are the one's I don't even get to see much. I say "bestfriend" when I speak of certain people. Yeah, they are my "bestfriends." They're the one's I hang out with or talk to most. They're the one's that know what clubs I like and my favorite drinks. They know the guys I've kissed. They know my work schedule. They know what store I like to shop at. But my REAL friends. They know how I REALLY feel. They know what I'm going through in life. They know who I REALLY am. They are the one's that I've let see me cry. I don't let people see me cry. I'm too macho for that. My true friends are there for me when I REALLY need them. Not when I have a hair up my ass to go out and party, but when I'm hurting they're at my side or when I'm happy they're just as excited as I am. Marylyn is my true friend. She's my brother's girlfriend. Usually I refer to her as my sister-n-law. Paul is my true friend. Enough said. I'd do anything for those two. Gabe and Eric are true friends. I know it's alot to say for you two. But I truly believe that you guys know I'd do anything I could for you guys and in my heart I feel that would be done in return. Yeah, we've had "dramas" but true friends stand by eachother through those dramas. We're here right? Marylyn and I went through some rough times but neither one of us gave up on eachother and never I once doubted that we would. Paul and I just get along too well and we're both big ass dorks so we don't fight. Him and I are okay with not agreeing and tend to make fun of eachother's perspectives and laugh. When I sit here and think really hard, I've had lots and lots of "bestfriends." But those friends I think would give up easily if the hard times came knocking at "our" door. This year, all in all, I've realized that my true friends at times are all I have. I know that they might hurt me, but would never do it intentionally, and vise versa. Relationship's aren't supposed to be perfect. I haven't known Sharon too long, but something in my heart and mind tells me that she's someone I want to keep in my life. That if she needed anything at all I would try my hardest to get it done for her. I have lots of other friends that I could count on for pretty much anything, but just don't see or talk to hardly ever. Chris Daniels and Mike & Christina come to mind immediately. They all see me for me and love who I am. Just like I see them for them and love everything about them. Even their imperfections and flaws. I've always said I was blessed with friends. At times I find it hard to say "my really good friend" because I say it for alot of my friends. But as I said, I'm blessed with friends.
Love in '04. Oh no! She said the four letter word! Oh, but I did. I found love in so many different ways. With friends, family and to be in love. Why doesn't she blog about it/him? She damn posts about everything else! Because, when it's that special, I'd rather bask in the joy while in my reverie's. He is also a true friend. I'm not even going to go on about it more here. Let's just say, I feel so blessed, amazingly.
Hate. This year I learned what it's like to hate. Sadly, it's not even someone I know on a personal level, per se. I've never actually hated something or someone. Maybe strongly disliked or couldn't stand. But I mean really feel hate. I feel this feeling of hate for Mr. President Bush. He is a master of his art and his art is death. He is playing God and I hate him for that. If I'm not wrong hating is sin?? So Bush has allowed me to to do so. Speaking of God, I've learned not to care or be embarrassed about my belief's. I believe in God and am happy to say so. It's sad that people are making Christmas out to be something bad. Something the whole world has been celebrating for years! That some places are calling it the "end of year celebration." That Christmas lights are not allowed for some company's. That this world is trying to rid of anything that has to do with God or religion. It's sad that when my son's school say's the Pledge of Allegiance the phrase "one nation under God" is no longer included. What is the reason we celebrate Christmas? Oh yeah, that's right. It's the birthday of Jesus. What is the history of the world based on? Oh yeah, that's right, religion. What is this world coming to? Who knows. It scares me to wonder what it is my son will grow up in. What he'll be pressured to say or not to say. What he'll be pressured to believe in or not to believe in. This world is crazy. And the crazy doesn't do it justice. Hence, another reason to live as happy as possible.
So in closing the end of the 2004, I found me. I truly in my heart & soul believe that I know who I am and what I want in life. I don't mean, 'oh I want my own house, and I want this in my career and this kinda car.' I'm saying, I know I want to be happy and will be no matter what. I know things are never perfect and that's perfect. I know that I won't always see eye-to-eye with everyone and that it's okay to agree to disagree. I know that I don't need Ross' helpwith our son and even though he's not there for our son the way he should be, my son is happy with what and who he has. I learned that with time and only time, everything gets better. I learned that the old saying "this too shall pass" couldn't be more true. I learned at the age of 12, when I lost my dad that life is short, and I continue to remember that with everyday. I learned that an experience or a memory is one to cherish, whether it made me cry or made me laugh. I learned that people and friends come and go and that's okay. I learned that there is true love after love. I learned that if I'm myself, people appreciate that. I knew since the day my son was born that I was the luckiest person alive, but with everyday I love him more and feel luckier. I learned that my family is invaluable as are my friends. I learned that true friends are the ones you least expected to be there at all and that the one's you expect to be there may not be. I learned that everything happens when you least expect it. I learned to be happy with my past and to learn from it and live for today. I learned not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow may never come. I believe in fate, and I believe in faith. I believe that life should be lived to the fullest no matter how hard it is. I learned that everyday won't be happy but someone out there has it worse. I learned that life should be lived to the fullest, especially with those you love, whether it's for "a day or a lifetime."
So, all in all, I'd say I had a great year. There were some extremely difficult times and some things I'm still trying to get passed or make better. But it'll all come around, eventually. And I'm sure that when they do, I'll be presented with yet another life challenging situation. It's a viscious cycle that I'm willing to take on. I'm excited to see what the new year rings in for me. I still have 5 day's left in 2004 and who knows what could happen in those 4 days. I'm sure I'll think of a million and one things I wanted to post about as soon as I log out here, but I don't want any of you to kill me. Well, IF you read this far. If not, I REALLY don't blame you. But as someone mentioned wanting to post to interest their readers, well I do post for my readers at times, but at times it's simply for me. Something to look back on. My journal. Maybe someday I'll even print this bad boy out and save it for my son. Even all the Tom Foolery. I would definate like to end this with one of the most thought provoking quotes I could find, but I don't believe there's one to do that justice. So I'll just say, I found me. This is my life and where I'm at. Do you know who you are and where you're at?. . .
I just read this over and realized that my grammar, typos, and use of vocabualry are pretty rough. But if you think I'm about to go add comma's where they should be or take off the extra added letters, or check out the thesaurus, you're crazy! I almost fell asleep typing it. I think I might write a novel. I'm obviously skilled in the lenght department. So if you know any publishers, let me know!
posted by Jenn Doll at 4:38 AM 12 comments

Friday, December 24, 2004

You Said. . .

Jay said...
anyways, funny to see you have joined the blog world. jenn roped me in too. I think sometime when I'm in new mexico I'm gonna have to kick her ass for it. but, now you know I'm here. talk to you soon
smk said...
Jenn is a blog pimp. She just has this way of making things sound like you wouldn't be able to live without it.
Xinvisionx said…
Hola! It’s been a while since I last updated so yes, this post will be unusually long. It may even be up to par with Jenns’.
Cowe said...
This is my attempt at leaving a comment of Jenn-like proportions. I can't think of enough to write... have you ever wondered why animals are sometimes different colours?
DyingBurningFighting said...
Thanks. There, that's the longest comment I ever wrote. Just for you! :p
Gabriel said...
Jesus!!! I thought Jenn would never shut up! Make her stop leaving such long comments. No wonder she doesnt update her blog anymore. Shes too busy writing novels on other peoples blogs...hi jenn...
Katie said...
Good lord Jenn. I was thinking the same thing as you Gabe, "Will she ever shut up?"
Ariel said…
I could say more but I'll leave this blog super short to make up for my other long ones that were approaching Katie and Jenn size.
Eric said... (though not in a comment or post)
Something along the lines of my posts having "novel quality."
Bill said...
(Well, I can't find anything he said. But he has before damnit.)

And all but ONE were on my blog! You got something to say?! Bring it! I aint scared. For real. Are you guys saying I'm bored? Or I just damn talk to much? Quit hating. For real. Katie, Bill, Ariel, Andrew, Jay, Stell, to you, I know I pressed for you all to get a blog. But I also know that you thank me for it. Just appreciate me damnit! I know I can talk/type alot. It's the Gemini in me. It's 'cause I'd rather blog than work. It's 'cause I love to hear what you have to say. It's 'cause I love to let you know I give you some of MY time. It's 'cause. . . . .Okay! Okay! It's because I just talk too much! So what?!

I had a bad dream last night. But I don't want to make this post long. So I'll save it for another post! Boo!
posted by Jenn Doll at 7:42 AM 9 comments

Thursday, December 23, 2004

fate ~

1. a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
b. The inevitable events predestined by this force.
2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.
3. Unfavorable destiny; doom

n 1: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future [syn: destiny]
2: the ultimate agency that predetermines the course of events (often personified as a woman); "we are helpless in the face of Destiny" [syn:
Destiny, Fate]
3: your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you);

So about a week, maybe week and half ago, my phone rings and it's my older brother. He called me asking me if I had heard what happened with Anthony. Who's Anthony? Good question. He's my ex. Ross (my son's dad) and I were broken up, as we did through the 7 years of "our" relationship. During these few months I met Anthony. I dated him for pretty much the entire time, until I decided to be stupid AGAIN and get back with Ross. Anyhow, Anthony treated me like a princess. He wined me and dined me, literally. I didn't have a car at the time, so he'd always lend me his nice car. To go party with my friends at that and come home to him after the fact. He would do anything for me. And me, well, I was a bitch. He was basically a rebound; that pretty much say's it all. He was damn gorgeous though. Anyhow, it's been about five years since Anthony and I dated. Throughout these five years he's managed to keep in touch with me. He'd call, ask me how I'm doing and so forth. He'd always end with something along the lines of, 'We should get together and see what happens.' Or, 'I live by you now, you should come by. We could hang out and see what happens.' I never returned his calls. Though I did/do answer anytime he calls me. When we were dating I caught wind that he used to do drugs. I never believe hearsay, but at the same time I keep an open mind and some sense of caution when I do. My oldest brother and Anthony had mutual friends, so my brother would tell me all these bad things. I knew Anthony wasn't perfect, but a) neither of brothers liked him because he wasn't Ross and Ross was the first guy they'd ever seen their little sister with and b) people just like to run their mouths. Well, after hearing about him possibly doing drugs I started to wonder about the little things I had wondered about before. Like him leaving early in the morning for an hour or two at a time. And I mean REALLY early. Six, sevenish. If he was doing drugs or whatever, I couldn't tell. I never asked. One day he sat me down and told me that he used to do drugs but hadn't in a long time. I knew he was on probation for stupid shit, like breaking into cars. Maybe even stealing them. I just know that people CAN change so I never judged him for his past. I didn't even ask what kind of drugs or how long. Eventually, later on, after him and I no longer dated I found out that he was on "Methadone," and had been off and on for years. Methadone is an opiate/heroin substitute, because it has a longer half-life and less sedation. It is used to prevent withdrawal symptoms. Doctors must obtain a special license to prescribe methadone. Maybe this is why he left in the mornings and was too embarrased to tell me. Or more afraid to lose me. It kind of freaked me out, but as I said, people can change. Anyhow, so I get this phone call from my brother asking if I had heard what happened. After Anthony and I, he had a baby not too long after, who's four years old now. My brother had been watching the news and saw that a four year old girl had accidentally taken her father's methadone. Yes, you've guessed it. It was Anthony's daughter. So I read the paper and get a few more details. Well tonight one of my co-workers called to let me know that it was going to be on the news. They showed him, his daughter and the mother. In knowing Anthony, I knew immediately that this was not intentional, that he loved his daughter and had to be hurting. I guess he would use empty Baby's Tylenol bottles to put his methadone in. Yeah, not too smart. But I know he didn't think twice about it. Obviously. I guess the baby had been sick with a cold and went and took some Tylenol, which turned out to be Methadone. She was in critical condition and comatose for a while. Chances are she'll have permanent brain damage. He's in jail on $100,00 bond and facing two counts of child abuse. In the paper it said that when the baby's mother went to his house she found him crying in the garage. Seeing the news tonight, his beautiful daughter, hearing his voice, and seeing the sadness in his eyes was heartbreaking. I know that he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt anyone, especially not his daughter. The mother said that she 'hopes he gets alot of jail time.' I'm not sure why, but if she knows him at all, she'd know that it was not purposely. Although, being a mother, I can understand her hardship. He said that 'there's no amount of sorry that could make any of it right.' And that 'it hurts really bad.' He 'doesn't care what happens to him, he 'just wants his daughter to be okay.' It reminds of the stories I hear, of some person that wouldn't hurt a fly, killing someone while drinking and driving. Did fate put them there? Was it that person's time to go? Does fate have good and bad planned for us? I just recently met one of the most amazing people ever and have fallen in love with who he is. There were many things that should have kept us from being together, but didn't. Was/is it fate? Is having faith in fate illogical? Or is it logical to believe that fate has us where we are at the time we're there because we're supposed to be? Like a four year old girl that happened to take her daddy's Methadone because it looked like her medicine. This is where the "what if's" begin. What if the bottle was empty? What if she wasn't sick at that time? What if daddy had never done drugs? What if daddy had never tried getting better and off drugs? What if she had stayed home with mommy that day? What if mommy and daddy had never met? What IF? So, instead of wondering why it happened yesterday or what's going to happen tomorrow, or what if, I'll live for today.
"What lies before us & what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. . ."
"One man's perception is not another man's reality. . . "
posted by Jenn Doll at 3:18 AM 3 comments

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

A Little of This, A Little of That, Mostly Nothing

Jesus Christ! I just spent 2 1/2 hours doing my "blog run." That's right, 2 1/2 hours. Don't say I don't love you guys. And I'll be spending another (insert amout here) posting this. My eyes are twisted from all the reading, different templates and font colors. I think my brain had a circuit overload from thinking about all your posts and what to comment. Okay, maybe not what to comment because I always have something to say, but still. I swear, I try NOT to make long comments or posts, but everytime I'm done, it's uber long. Somebody help me! I find myself no longer surfing the web due to all the blogs I read and wanting to post myself. I now have 15 blogs in my run. Yeah, I said 15! But it's great. Except for the fact that I do it when I'm at work and WILL eventually get my ass chewed out, or even worse having net access taken away. Man that would make me nuts. So you all pray to whoever it is you pray to that that doesn't happen. And I found out that Dave Navarro is a computer nerd too. YAY! Anyhow, I wanted to welcome Stell and Andrew to blog world! I'm glad all my peer pressure of getting a blog worked. Now I can keep up with your lives, somewhat. It's great! Yay, I'm excited. It seems as though alot of the old school "ML1'ers" are joining the blog. So if most of you are wondering, "Which, Michy, Mishy, Jay, Stell, Andrew, Katie, Ariel, Bill and Gabe" is Jenn talking about? Yes, you are right. It's THEE Michy aka michy_pooh_is_who_i_be, THEE Mishy (for me Chelle) aka softsunghinegurl, THEE Jay aka gold_toof, THEE Stell aka "the real wookie", THEE Andrew aka moo_cowe, THEE Katie aka ophelia_shes_neath_the_window, THEE Ariel aka ataxia aka showmetheworldasidlovetoseeit and THEE Bill aka shw_warren. So you can all stop wondering now and go find eachother's blogs! Yay. How exciting! Yeah, I'm a big ass blog dork, so fuckin' what?! I wanted to thank you Chelle for your comment. It was the most simple yet BEST comment ever! She told me "thanks for being you." Wow, that kinda grabbed me by the booboo! It just really made me feel good, so thanks! I also wanted to thank Mr. Gabe for his beautiful words to me, also. You know you rock! Jamie, you KNOW Eric wants us to be princesses. Eric, you can be my prince. I'll let you, but just this once. And you guys all need to go check out Boko's blog! His art is great and his last posts are too cute. Really. He's obsessed with Krispy Kreme donuts! Only 'cause they don't have them "outback." So, in all of it I learned NOT to take Krispy Kreme's for granted. Whew, close call. Thanks Boko! So you might learn a lesson from him too. And soon I want to "perma-link" you all. Rae was giving me some pointers on it, so hopefully soon I'll get it. Hopefully. So now that I've talked about blogging, I'll um talk about something else. Hope you're all still awake!!

So, I finished my HUGE project, for the most part. I won't say what it was 'til later, 'cause, well just because. I'll tell you later damnit. I still want to do a "reflections on '04" post, but I decided on waiting 'til after the new year. I decided on staying in with my son when the new year rings in. I've never really done much on New Year's Eve and don't care to. I hate having to worry about stupid drunks and them driving. I'm also putting in 8 hours of OT on X-mas Eve. It's double time and a 1/2. Why not?! My son will be with me the 2nd half of X-mas Eve and the first of X-mas day. It's a little bit much on the back and forth for him, but it's so that all the people that love him and he loves will enjoy some time with him. I don't have any big plans for X-mas, I'll be spending it with my brothers mostly. Of course with mom and grandma too. I'll call my friends up, but that's 'bout it. They all have their plans too. I know I'll get harrassed for not wanting to go out on New Year's Eve, but they're gonna have to deal with it.

Music: I've gotten 5 more CD's as gifts since the last time I mentioned how many I had gotten. Sharon got me two Soundgarden CD's for Christmas! She's the bestest! She had heard me saying I wanted me some Soundgarden. I got her the book "Tommyland." I got two Atreyu CD's and one Beloved. I have a Chevelles CD on the way too. If that's how you spell it. Sharon's son Eric and I have become CD partners. It's great. He's only 12 and has great taste in music. He'd shock you. The cool thing is, he likes what he likes 'cause HE likes it. Not because he's trying to be cool. I think he was supposed to be my kid. She's throwing a late "Christmas/New Year's" party the weekend after the new year and I'm excited that I get to go. I did end up getting weekends off here at work for the first time in three freakin' years! Score!! Fuck yeah, bitches. I will now have Friday & Saturday nights off! Dancing, dancing, dancing!! OOOHHH YEAH! And more drinking. Damn. "When the pimp's in da crib Ma, Drop it like it's hott!" Sorry, I got all excited thinking about dancing.

Since my last post, there was all kinds of things I wanted to post about, but of course I have no clue what they were anymore. I should get really geeked with it and start writing that shit down when it comes to mind. I'll tell people it's my grocery list! Shut up and quit laughing at me! Actually, I was gonna go post crazy with all this stuff I had in mind, then I got into this REALLY intense conversation through text messages and my brain got wiped out with anything else it had in mind. Yeah, through texts. I LOVE text messages. And I thank the man/woman that invented them with all of my heart! If you don't know how to text or don't have the option, you're missing out. Go play your a-track or cassette and don't bother with the new stuff. Unless you're married and so forth you should have text messages! It's crazy how it's a form of writing. I've had friends, guys and girls both, tell me how they seem to be a bit more brave when conversating through texts. Okay, so I'm freakin' posting about text messages. Why don't you stop me when I start?! "That's the last time I leave you losers in charge of me."

Katie, get your ass back to blogging. This is bullshit already. I just wanted to yell at you. It's been a while, snot.

Okay, I'm seriously trying really hard to think of something "cool" to put on this here post, but it's not happening. So if you even read to here, I'll rid you of your suffering. I'm done now!

"Must I remind you, I'm only here to twist you. . . ."

posted by Jenn Doll at 3:36 AM 6 comments

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I really want to do a post to reflect on this year and what I hope for in 2005, but now's not the time. Because 1) My brain is still NOT in tact and not ready to reflect. B) I have a HUGE project I'm trying to finish within 3 days which is probably a 2 week project. 3) I've been so happy lately I easily stray from my thoughts of the moment to others within seconds. And D) I actually need to work tonight. Oh yeah, and I'm sad that time flies so damn fast. I hate to say never and hate to say hate, but I hate that I feel like there's never enough time. Tis why we should enjoy all to the fullest! I should get to this post I anticipate on this week. I imagine that with Christmas only days away most won't be posting or around to do their blog runs. So, if that happens to be the case with you, I want to wish you a
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
with lots of love! God bless. . .
posted by Jenn Doll at 1:45 AM 12 comments

Thursday, December 16, 2004

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. . ."

Wow. Where to start. . . .first of all, I want to say that things have been absolutely great. My life right now is better than it’s been in a really long time! I’ll continue on this is a minute.

I want to say hi to all the bloggers that swing by here and show me love. Katie’s my boo, but is at her mama’s over Christmas break. BOO! This is why the obsessive blogger hasn’t posted in a while. But I find myself back tracking her previous posts ‘cause she makes me laugh. Katie, come back already! I miss you. Bill, on the other hand has been having funtimes and enjoying life as I have! YAY! He’s posting pics and everything these days. Sorry ‘bout earlier Billy Jack, the phone was ringing, my son was calling and then some. But hopefully this weekend we could talk. Ariel’s got JayBug visiting, so I know that there’s no luck in getting a post outta her. But I get text messages now! Sweet. Gabe’s been in the spirit of things and it’s just great. Kudo’s to the PMA (positive mental attitude)! So again, say it with me, the glass IS half full. Eric’s been MIA, kinda. So I await the return of Eric’s great posts. He makes me laugh and smile, what can you say?! Plus he’s a Gemini. And I get to stalk Paolo on his blog. Jamie’s talking about what big sisters can get you into. It’s a good thing I only had big brothers to whoop my ass. Boko’s back with a vengeance! Haha. I mean he’s back with a ghost that’s mad that we called him a bastard and broke his computer. We apologized to the ghost. So it should all be okay. Hopefully. He's also back with some kickass art. Rae continues to get my mind going. It’s great. For real, think, think, think. Dylan's getting married! Michy, Chelle, Jay are AWOL! Boo these people! Well, Chelle and Jay have been posting KINDA. I’ve had a couple posts titled "AWOL" due to the fact that I yell at people in their blog when they slack. Then that’s their ‘come back to bloggin’ post. So I’ll do it here this time. GET ON IT SLACKERS! I found out today that Stell visits my blog too! Even though she doesn't have one. Did you click her name? Haha! She made me all warm and fuzzy feeling. So hi Stell! You’re still my wife, and I luff you! And Josh, if you still come here, hello to thee. Both of you need to leave comments. I love it. Damnit.

So back to my great life. First, my son grows more gorgeous mentally on a daily basis. He’s always so gleeful and his smile is dynamite. Everytime I see it I fall in love all over again. He shows his love for me as I never imagined a 6 year old doing. My mom and I haven’t had a disagreement in days! Not that we do very often, but hey, we’re two adults (female at that) living together and have minor disagreements. My friends seem to be growing and maturing as people and it’s wonderful to see. Some still have much to work on, as I’m sure do I, but it seems to be going in the right direction. It seems as though almost all of my friends have found some form of love and are taking it all in. Work is good too. And for those of you that know me, know that I do not talk about work when not at work. I met my new Sergeant today and he seems to be pretty cool. The shift bid is up and it looks as though I may have weekends off for the first time in almost three years!! This will do wonders for family time! And then there he is and I can’t express the joy he brings to my heart and soul. So for all of this, I thank God. I truly am blessed. . . .

Now, to my weekend. It was absolutely one of the best weekends I’ve had in ages! Went to the ‘River of Lights’ early Friday evening. All the Christmas lights were gorgeous and brought a glow to my eyes. Sat at the table (which I don't do) and had some kickass tasting stew while conversating with mom and grandma. It was so cool, I could have stayed there all day. Later that night, we headed out to the usual ‘Neds’ downtown and it was great. A pretty big crowd, but not annoyingly big. I got to dance the night away and get lost in the music. It was one of those nights where I drank, and drank and didn’t get drunk. Well okay, I was pretty buzzed, but not drunk. Mase was sprayed into a crowd that then traveled towards the dance floor. So I sneezed a hundred times while dancing. It was fun. Hung out with some new friends and they all enjoyed eachother’s company. Went home and enjoyed some deep, heart warming and beautiful conversation by candle light and great music. Saturday night, went to ‘Graham Central Station.’ Strange enough, everyone invited showed. We enjoyed the company of Paul, Bridget, Elias, Jordan, Nancy, Valerie, Forest and some other random girls. Danced, but not much. Still had a great time. Headed back to Val’s after, had a beer, shared some stories of accidental feet being cut off, held some birds and went home. Had yet some more deep conversation. Sunday, went to a music store and did some window shopping. Picked up Damian. Talked to Aaron, whom I’d missed. Talked to Joey and saw Eric who I hadn’t seen in a while. It was nice seeing old faces. Headed over to my brothers and watched a movie on the projector. It was our own personal theater. Watched a movie that made the boys jump, so that was fun to laugh at. Went home, put Damian to bed. Watched ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.’ Now, it was good, but not all of what some of you have said. I even managed to pass out for a bit. Went outside and got to experience one of the most gorgeous things ever. Not knowing that the ‘Geminids Meteor Shower’ was happening, and got to see it. WOW! Words don’t do justice how it made me feel. What a gorgeous experience. Then finding out that the shower has to do with the constellation Gemini made it even better! Ended the night intensly and beautifully. Monday, went to my other brothers and had Thanksgiving dinner with him and his family. It went so well at times I thought I’d cry. I gave him his Christmas gift early. I told you guys I suck at surprises so you can keep from yelling at me. It was great to see him excited like a big kid. Monday evening ended rough and got more so on Tuesday. But I won’t go into detail. I’ll just say that I was "sad in a beautiul way. . ."

Christmas is in just 8 days and the new year rings in after. If all continues as is, my new year will start great, as my year is ending. There’s still LOTS to deal with, including in the financial department. But I hope to fix that in 2005. There's actually some pretty big "bads," per se, but I refuse to let them get in the way. I'll just take them as they come, and do what I can.

"True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, Nor can it be hidden where it truly does. . ."

posted by Jenn Doll at 2:07 AM 11 comments

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

So Blessed. . .

Lying beside you, this joy is so deep
I reach out and touch you tenderly
Looking inside you, my world is complete
I struggled to find you, now I'm free
Precious love, running so deeply
Shattered completely, for you

So blessed, amazingly
Touching you now awakens me
You are my heart, my everything
Feeling you now is all I need

A drift in the moment
So sacred and pure
A life for you only, I am yours
As you touch me so sweetly
And you whisper my name
I feel how you love me
We are the same
Precious one, don't ever leave me
Don't ever leave me, this way

So blessed, amazingly
Touching you now awakens me
You are my heart, my everything
Feeling you now is all I need
Stay with me beyond the end
I'll treasure you
Won't you make me whole again

So blessed, amazingly
Touching you now awakens me
You are my heart, my everything
Feeling you now, is all I really need. . . .
posted by Jenn Doll at 1:59 AM 6 comments

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Uuhhh. . .

Yes, the title to my post is Uuhhh. The reason being, well, that's what my mind is doing at this very moment. I guess I'm too damn busy writing novels for comments in other people's blogs. So what?! Douchebags. Hmm, what to post about, what to post about. . . so I just got off the phone with my KatieBear. I shared stories and exciting news. We made fun of people, which is a given, then we hung up. I finally got the CD's de Eric , so I can finally send Katie her copy along with the other things I have in store for her. Yay! Katie, I want to burn a couple of other CD's, so give me time. But I hope to get to the post office this Friday or Saturday. I already gave Valerie her copy of the CD and she was excited. The other two I have to mail out. So Bill, you'll be getting yours too. But I have to finish what other stuff I had in store for my Billy Jack. And I want you to make me CD's too! That would be fun. Anything you think I'd like, would mean the mostest. So I still don't know what to post about. I know! I know! Jenn and her big mouth, not know what to talk about? It is a wow. I know. It happens to the best of us. Besides, I damn post more than anyone, 'cept Katie. Bill's been up there too. So last night, I was going through random blogs, and damn the shit people can do with some html knowledge. Bastards. What I noticed was the people with the insane, really cool templates and so forth, had nothing near interesting to say, or it wasn't in english. The blog's with just the plain old 'pick one' templates were more interesting. I found 'Rae' who had a thought provoking post. You all know I love that. I found this one group of bloggers, who were all interesting, but I lost the damn address. I got some Dave Navarro blog in there too. Good Lord that man blows me away. He's the fucking coolest guy ever. And being hott as hell doesn't hurt him either. He's so down to earth. The best thing though, he has this INSANE view, outlook, aspect, whatever you wanna call it, on life. IE: When asked "Do you miss the past?" He answered, "I don't miss it, but I'm sure glad I had it." I don't know, I think his answers to alot of questions are intriguing and leave me in awe. You guys should check him out. I can't link him because I don't know the link. I usually just Google search him. He's a Gemini too! Score! Bitches. So I'm on call this next week, starting Saturday. Primary too. But I have damn plans and was gonna call into work. But if you call in when you're Primary, that = not good. So I went ahead and told my boss. He wants a reason because he needs to document why he's approving vacation when I'm primary. He asked if it was an emergency. I said, "It's not an emergency like someone's dying, but more appropriate something that came up spontaneously and can't be changed. More on a personal level. Basically, regardless, I won't be here." So then he asked me to find someone carry the pager, naturally, Sharon volunteered. So I'm gonna bring her lunch and flowers one of the nights. I don't know what I'd do without her. She said, "Just remember, you only have one life. So you better have all the fun you can now." This was in a text. So I replied, "With people like you, it's possible. You're an angel." I'm sooo glad I got to meet her. Too bad it wasn't sooner. But nonetheless, I know her now. I guess there won't be a wedding shower de Adam and Mariah. I don't really know what they're doing or what have you. But it sounds more to me like she or they are playing house. It's NOT a game fuckfaces. Sonofabitch. Okay, change the topic before I get all gorilla. I polished my nails today. I'll be doing my hair this weekend too. I wanna to something drastic. So I'll keep you posted on what I do with it. It probably really won't be dramatic at all, but let me have fun pretending, damnit. I hate George Bush. I had to actually ask God to forgive me the other day, as I wished death upon him. Since his change in Medicaid, my grandmother is no longer covered with all of her medications. Do you know how many freakin' prescriptions she has?! That stupid mother fucker changed things and now she has to pay for some of them. Prescriptions are so damn expensive, she'll be out of home and food. Not to mention, I can't wait to see what it changes in my son's coverage. I never thought I'd actually hate someone. Like truly HATE any one person. But thanks to Bush, I now know that feeling. Thanks alot Mr. President. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to feel hate. You reap what you sow, asshole. Have fun in hell. Now that I'm done ranting at/about the president, I think I'll go. Since this post has said nothing. I'll try harder next time k! I get another early Christmas present on Friday! Score!

This post kinda got depressing huh? BOO! Sorry. Will you still love me in the morning?!
posted by Jenn Doll at 1:48 AM 7 comments

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

You Can't Find It 'Cause I Got It, and I Think You Still Have Mine Too

Today I cleaned the crap outta my house. But I can't ever clean my damn room without getting sidetracked. This isn't only sometimes either. This happens every damn time I clean my room. I start cleaning around my entertainment center, where I have all of my pictures, and guess what happens? Yup, I go down memory lane and get lost in the pictures. I have alot of freakin' pictures too. And most of them are from the recent years and of Damian, of course. I didn't used to the picture then when I was younger, so most of them are pretty close. Meaning, like the past 10 years or so. I know it seems like, 10 years! That's alot! But really, alot of it seems like just yesterday. Man, where does time go? Anyhow, I saw some of my favorite pictures of Damian. When he learned how to pee in the toilet he refused to use a step-stool. So, you wanna take a guess at how he peed? Keep in mind that he was not tall enough to reach the toilet. Give up? Well. . . . he used to stand on the toilet. He would put one foot on each side of the toilet seat, aim then go. It was the funniest, cutest thing EVER! I have pictures, but no scanner. If I get a chance to somehow scan them, I will definately share. It's the best ever. I can't wait to show him those when he's older. He actually gets a kick out of it now. Anyhow, I usually stay looking at the pictures for at least an hour and a half, by then I don't want to finish cleaning. But tonight I did. Since I went on a cleaning mission my decided to get the tree out of storage. I know, I know. It should already be up. Didn't you pay attention to my last post about this situation. Ass. So hopefully this week we'll get the tree up and so forth.

I lost a CD with pictures that I had burned on it. NOT good! Not good at all. Mariah's freakin' boobs are on it! Well, I know it's her fault for flashing them and letting pictures get taken. But dude! I kinda altered and tweaked them just a little bit. I can see it now, Mariah's boobs all over damn Albuquerque. Well, wait, maybe they've already been? So it kinda doesn't count, no? Shit, I'm in trouble if I don't find it and it gets into the wrong hands. Go Jenn! Stupid girl. Speaking of which, this weekend's her 'engagement party.' I can't wait.

I hurt my foot somehow at work tonight. I say somehow, because I didn't hit it on anything, or anything. I just all of a sudden started feeling this piercing pain at the top of it. Feels like I damn chipped my bone or something. The pain started getting worse and eventually began to travel up towards my ankle and some of my leg. Sonofabitch man. Not now damnit! I have plans this weekend! I took off my sock to inspect it and Sharon noticed that it was swallon. I noticed that my veins were popping up like if I had just done heroin. Do veins stick out abnormally when you do heroin? Anyhow, they were all weird sticking out and you could feel them. So Sharon, being the sweet heart she is, made me an ice pack, brought me a chair, and had me prop it up. After putting the ice on it for a while, my veins seem to be normal and the swelling went down. But it's starting to hurt again. I have NO freakin' clue whatsoever as to why it's being weird, but it hurt. And I'm damn limping like a gimp. Bitch.

So, this month alone I came up on roughly 35 to 40 CD's. Sweetass! Many, actually most of which were given to me. I'm not sure why people have been giving me CD's, but I love it. Who wouldn't? I've been mentioning when I get a new CD or four. I mentioned getting Eminem's Encore and Ozzy's 'The Essentional' (double dsic) from Sharon last night. Tonight her and I brought in our CD's to swap, er burn. I'm taking home, D12 World, The Source hip hop mix, a 2nd mix with rap and hip hop which has Snoop Dogg Drop It Like It's Hot & Chingy Balla Baby, Soundtrack Cradle to the Grave, Usher Confessions, Eminem Marshall Mathers LP, Whitesnake self titled, Motley Crue Dr Feel Good, Theater of Pain, Shout at the Devil and Girls, Girls, Girls, Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet, Eagles Hotel California, Rolling Stones 40 Licks, Mariah Carey Emotions and Elvis Presley If Every Day Was Like Christmas. I'm all excited! I love all of these CD's. We're just getting started too. We're gonna bring in more. I guess I'll finally take advantage of the fact that my mom and her boyfriend are DJ's and have hundreds and hundreds of CD's. No rock though. But I'll make with the cumbia's, salsa's, ranchera's, hip hop/rap and oldies. Sharon fuckin' rocks! I love this bitch. Anyhow, I'm out for now and I leave you with this. . . .

"Three weeks from now I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it shall be so. If you find yourself alone, riding in green fields, with the sun on your face, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium and you are already dead. What we do in life, echoes in eternity. . . "

posted by Jenn Doll at 3:41 AM 7 comments

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Miracle On 34th Street

So I haven’t done a REAL post in a while. So I decided that I would today. First, my new niece. She’s doing great and seems to get more gorgeous daily. I went and visited with her today. It was the best having her sleep on my chest and her little hands gripping my finger. Looking at a newborn is always so fulfilling for me. How pure and innocent they are. How they are content with being held in your arms. It’s so crazy how there’s that instant love. Especially when it’s yours. A brother, a sister, a niece or nephew, a cousin. It’s so beautiful to be able to love someone before they’re even here. Nine months of pregnancy, anxiously waiting. She’s the best Christmas present for us all. My son just adores her. My brother and Marylyn plan on a third one in about a year. Hopefully my brother gets his boy. He loves taking my son with him to fly his remote control airplanes. And he loves to brag how smart my son is. It’s so, so cool when I hear my brother’s bragging about my son. I love it. Speaking of Damian. Today he was messing with his ‘Etch-a-Sketch’ and said, "Look mom." So I looked at it, and he shocked the hell outta me. I have never ever drawn anything but a square on one of those things. Nor have I seen anyone draw something on one of those things. My brother and I always try to get the whole screen colored, but I’ve never succeeded. He did it the other day. Anyhow, when I looked to see what Damian had drawn, I saw, a building, a guy walking into the building, who is taking a step up the stairs, some clouds, the pavement, and a bird. I was so excited that he had done that. I didn’t let him erase it. I’ll be posting a picture. It looks like something a 3 to 5 year old would draw, but on a freakin’ Etch-a-sketch! Have you ever actually drawn anything on one of those? I don’t know, I’m all-proud. That’s my boy! So then today my mom’s excited and telling me how there’s 9 people in their choir now. I guess they’d always had so much less. And she’s telling me how lots of people have been complimenting them and say they love them and how it seems to be getting more people to church. So I’m excited for her and telling her that’s good and so forth when we hear Damian, "Grandma. . ." My mom, "Yeah?" Damian, "Do they ask you for your autograph?" I immediately started laughing, as did my mom. God he’s such a smartass. That’s my boy!

On the other hand, Christmas is right around the corner. For the past few years I’ve been somewhat of a Scrooge. Not completely, but with some of it. Anyhow, this holiday season seems to be going in different directions for me. I got my Christmas wish! I don’t want to share it just yet, but it’s one that I was told would need a miracle. Well I guess miracles do happen! I was even asked if I "lived on 34th Street." Thank you Santa! So, I thought you guys should know that I already opened one of my presents. My mom said, "you guys are bad!" I did this about a week ago. I opened my Whiskeytown – Pneumonia CD. Woot woo! I let Damian open it for me, but I was all excited. I had asked my brother’s girlfriend if I could open it and she said, "ask your brother." It reminded me of when I would ask my mom or dad for something and they’d tell me to ask the other. So I asked my brother and he was like, "I don’t care." They were excited to see how excited I got. Then my brother said, "What the hell kind of music are you listening to?" Haha. I told him, "I could have told you, you wouldn’t like that." He’s not about any kind of country whatsoever. Even if it is Ryan Adams. He’s more into, Static X, Disturbed, or anything hard. So then he starts telling me how he’s seen a few people with that CD. So, I’m now the proud owner of 2 Whiskeytown CD’s as well as 4 Ryan Adams. I was just looking online at some music and I found a Portishead import. Fuck yeah bitches! That just got me all excited! Woot woo! Sharon again has made my day. She came in with 3 more CD’s for me. She hooked me up with Ozzy’s ‘The Essential.’ A double disc. And Eminem’s ‘Encore.’ Sweetass! She fuckin’ owns! As you know, I’ve had my brother’s computer for over a week now. So I’ve been getting down on the music. I came across some hardcore that I really like. I’ve heard some Atreyu before, but have about 4 songs from them now and I’m really liking them. I don’t remember what any are called, but I’ll let you know later. Also came across some Beloved and I think if I get into some hardcore anymore they’d be one of my favorite bands. Well, and Atreyu. I decided that if I ever have another boy Atreyu would be his name too. Like on The Neverending Story. I heard some of The Bled too, but just wasn’t feeling them. I’ve finally had time to get down on the Bjork CD’s and man she’s great. I think my favorite is probably 'Hmogenic'. Although, I do like them all. Of course I really like 'Medulla'. I really want me some 'Soundgarden'. I’m in need of some of the gracious sounds de Chris Cornell. I’m gonna go throw on this Eminem, I really want to hear what he has going on this one. Tonight Sharon and I are bringing our CD’s and burning off of each other. So I’ll let you know what I end up with.

It snowed again today! Woot! I hope it snows next weekend too.

He's making a list and he's checking it twice. . . .
posted by Jenn Doll at 7:01 AM 4 comments

Friday, December 03, 2004

HAHAH! Katie thought this was real!! HAHAHA! At least we know she's observant! HAHAH!!  Posted by Hello
posted by Jenn Doll at 3:21 PM 6 comments

Funtimes! It was a damn good show. I was gonna post, but all you slackers haven't! No comments, no nada. Bastards. Oh yeah, that's Sharon and I. I didn't get any pictures of Tesla because the lights were distorting the pictures. So all the 3 with the guys are members of the Scorpions. The ones with lights are Tesla, but you can't see them. And the signs are a given. Got it? Good! Rock you like a hurricane, bitches! Posted by Hello
posted by Jenn Doll at 10:28 AM 3 comments

Thursday, December 02, 2004

My son, Damian, his cousins Breanna & Brittney. I have 2 other nieces. I'll have to get pictures. FYI, now that I got this thing working, I'm gonna go picture CRAAAZY! Posted by Hello
posted by Jenn Doll at 8:39 AM 3 comments

Brittney and big sister Breanna.  Posted by Hello
posted by Jenn Doll at 8:35 AM 3 comments

This is Brittney my new niece and addition to our family. She's a little over a day old, and had just went home sweet home. She's gorgeous! Posted by Hello
posted by Jenn Doll at 8:33 AM 3 comments

You Know You're From New Mexico When. . . .

You buy salsa by the gallon. Haven't done this in a while. But it's cheaper that way.

You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago. Why register your car when you have "connections" all over?

Your favorite restaurant has a chile list instead of a wine list. Hell yeah!

Your Christmas decorations include "a yard of sand and 200 paper bags". Luminarias are beautiful! They even have a parade of Luminarias.

Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los". That only applies to all the family owned businesses. I'm NOT Mexican, bitches.

You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco. That's when it was truly a tourist attraction. Ah, the memories.

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in. I never hated Texans. Maybe this was the generations before me. But damnit all to hell, all of California is moving here. And the worst part is they brag and think they're "better" because they're from there. Well then why the fuck did you move out here? PS I love California.

The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car. I thought the slow leak in my tire was a nail. It's just so bald that it is kinda torn on the inside. That goes for both front tires. But they still work.

You price-shop for tortillas. That's only because grandma's don't want to make them anymore. If your grandma still makes tortillas, you are blessed.

You have an extra freezer just for green chile. Grandma's had hers for years! We were gonna buy one this year but didn't because we didn't know where to put it. So now there's no room in the freezer for any other freezer foods.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion. I always stop!

You believe that using a turn signal is a sign of weakness. For real, these damn New Mexican's do. When I use mine they laugh.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn. I love the lava rock in my front yard. You don't have to water it either!

You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane. I think they should take away your license after 65.

You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers. If you're going to go to see naked girls damn go to TD's. Have some freakin' pride.

You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business. This has given me better driving skills. Weaving in and out of them at high speeds is fun too!

You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state. The population is like 50 people.

You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola. God, can you get any more ghetto?!

You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales. I'm STILL mad that they took that away. But I did learn that Walgreens has some pretty good deals.

Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature and the other in the state pen. Yes my son's grandpa and uncle are in jail. And yes I work for the cops. So what?

You know whether you want "red or green." You've NEVER had real chili 'til you've tried ours. Mmmm, Bobs Burgers.

You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque. I'll give you $5 bucks if you can.

You can order your Big Mac with green chile. I don't like Big Mac's. But the green chili cheese burgers are pretty good.

You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English. Spanglish. I used love it when grandpa used to do that. Grandma still does.

You know you will run into at least 3 cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot. If not a cousin, 100% guarantee someone you know.

A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don't need to write it on your shopping list; it's a given. Who needs a spoon when you have a tortilla? And I don't know what else you'd eat chili with.

Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own. My neighbor has lots of money for her age. She has 2 horses and drives a Jag.

A tarantula on your porch is ordinary. A scorpion in your tub is ordinary. A poisonous centipede on your ceiling? Ordinary. A black widow crawling across your bed is terribly, terribly common. A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out. Centipede on my ceiling. Those little fuckers are in the house. I go retarded when I see one. So we take it upon ourselves not to see one. We have the exterminator there once a month. Sometimes twice. Daddy long legs I can deal with. I don't have problems with the rest, I live in the city.

These were really fun. Most of them apply to a lot of the little cities outside of Albuquerque. But still, they're funny. Thanks for finding this Katie! I'm not Mexican damnit. I am Hispanic/Chicana/Latina. I'm not nor have I ever been damn illegal. I read the "You know you're from California when. . ." that shit had me busting up! You don't even have to answer them to laugh. Click here you Californian's.

posted by Jenn Doll at 3:16 AM 2 comments