Jenn's Reverie

n 1: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future [syn: destiny]
2: the ultimate agency that predetermines the course of events (often personified as a woman); "we are helpless in the face of Destiny" [syn: Destiny, Fate]
3: your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you);

So about a week, maybe week and half ago, my phone rings and it's my older brother. He called me asking me if I had heard what happened with Anthony. Who's Anthony? Good question. He's my ex. Ross (my son's dad) and I were broken up, as we did through the 7 years of "our" relationship. During these few months I met Anthony. I dated him for pretty much the entire time, until I decided to be stupid AGAIN and get back with Ross. Anyhow, Anthony treated me like a princess. He wined me and dined me, literally. I didn't have a car at the time, so he'd always lend me his nice car. To go party with my friends at that and come home to him after the fact. He would do anything for me. And me, well, I was a bitch. He was basically a rebound; that pretty much say's it all. He was damn gorgeous though. Anyhow, it's been about five years since Anthony and I dated. Throughout these five years he's managed to keep in touch with me. He'd call, ask me how I'm doing and so forth. He'd always end with something along the lines of, 'We should get together and see what happens.' Or, 'I live by you now, you should come by. We could hang out and see what happens.' I never returned his calls. Though I did/do answer anytime he calls me. When we were dating I caught wind that he used to do drugs. I never believe hearsay, but at the same time I keep an open mind and some sense of caution when I do. My oldest brother and Anthony had mutual friends, so my brother would tell me all these bad things. I knew Anthony wasn't perfect, but a) neither of brothers liked him because he wasn't Ross and Ross was the first guy they'd ever seen their little sister with and b) people just like to run their mouths. Well, after hearing about him possibly doing drugs I started to wonder about the little things I had wondered about before. Like him leaving early in the morning for an hour or two at a time. And I mean REALLY early. Six, sevenish. If he was doing drugs or whatever, I couldn't tell. I never asked. One day he sat me down and told me that he used to do drugs but hadn't in a long time. I knew he was on probation for stupid shit, like breaking into cars. Maybe even stealing them. I just know that people CAN change so I never judged him for his past. I didn't even ask what kind of drugs or how long. Eventually, later on, after him and I no longer dated I found out that he was on "Methadone," and had been off and on for years. Methadone is an opiate/heroin substitute, because it has a longer half-life and less sedation. It is used to prevent withdrawal symptoms. Doctors must obtain a special license to prescribe methadone. Maybe this is why he left in the mornings and was too embarrased to tell me. Or more afraid to lose me. It kind of freaked me out, but as I said, people can change. Anyhow, so I get this phone call from my brother asking if I had heard what happened. After Anthony and I, he had a baby not too long after, who's four years old now. My brother had been watching the news and saw that a four year old girl had accidentally taken her father's methadone. Yes, you've guessed it. It was Anthony's daughter. So I read the paper and get a few more details. Well tonight one of my co-workers called to let me know that it was going to be on the news. They showed him, his daughter and the mother. In knowing Anthony, I knew immediately that this was not intentional, that he loved his daughter and had to be hurting. I guess he would use empty Baby's Tylenol bottles to put his methadone in. Yeah, not too smart. But I know he didn't think twice about it. Obviously. I guess the baby had been sick with a cold and went and took some Tylenol, which turned out to be Methadone. She was in critical condition and comatose for a while. Chances are she'll have permanent brain damage. He's in jail on $100,00 bond and facing two counts of child abuse. In the paper it said that when the baby's mother went to his house she found him crying in the garage. Seeing the news tonight, his beautiful daughter, hearing his voice, and seeing the sadness in his eyes was heartbreaking. I know that he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt anyone, especially not his daughter. The mother said that she 'hopes he gets alot of jail time.' I'm not sure why, but if she knows him at all, she'd know that it was not purposely. Although, being a mother, I can understand her hardship. He said that 'there's no amount of sorry that could make any of it right.' And that 'it hurts really bad.' He 'doesn't care what happens to him, he 'just wants his daughter to be okay.' It reminds of the stories I hear, of some person that wouldn't hurt a fly, killing someone while drinking and driving. Did fate put them there? Was it that person's time to go? Does fate have good and bad planned for us? I just recently met one of the most amazing people ever and have fallen in love with who he is. There were many things that should have kept us from being together, but didn't. Was/is it fate? Is having faith in fate illogical? Or is it logical to believe that fate has us where we are at the time we're there because we're supposed to be? Like a four year old girl that happened to take her daddy's Methadone because it looked like her medicine. This is where the "what if's" begin. What if the bottle was empty? What if she wasn't sick at that time? What if daddy had never done drugs? What if daddy had never tried getting better and off drugs? What if she had stayed home with mommy that day? What if mommy and daddy had never met? What IF? So, instead of wondering why it happened yesterday or what's going to happen tomorrow, or what if, I'll live for today.

"What lies before us & what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. . ."