Jenn's Reverie

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Reflecting '04. . .Finding Me

WARNING - THIS POST IS THAT OF "NOVEL-QUALITY" AND MAY EVEN BE CONSIDERED A FORM OF SELF INFLICTED PAIN IF READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH. IF YOU SUFFER FROM A WEAK HEART, ARE PREGNANT, ARE AN ASSRAMMER OR DOUCHEFACE, PLEASE CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE CONTINUING.
BLOG ADMINISTRATOR JENN'S WARNING.

Well hello there! It is actually a 1/2 hour past Christmas as I start this. Well, depending on where it is you live. Damn time zones. I'm not good with that stuff. Katie's a pro though. Well, sad enough I'm here at work. It wasn't sad 'til I found out that by the time I leave tomorrow I'll have worked 16 1/2 hours. Sweet! Then by the time I get home I'll have a whole 6 hours before I have to get back in my car and come back. I'm so excited. And there's a 90% chance that I'll be working from 10:30pm 'til 3:00pm AGAIN the following day! Yes! So then I'll have a whole 6 more hours on Monday when I get to come back for more! THEN on Friday, my day off, I'll be here for 12 hours instead of the normal 8! Woohoo! So by the weekend AFTER the new year I'll have worked roughly 28 day's straight to include two 16 1/2 hour shifts, one 12 hour shift AND three 8 hour shifts on my day's off! Oh my! I'm sooo excited. Sleep? What's that? I really am so thrilled I can't contain myself. Working for the government has SO many benefits! I mean, for one, you NEVER sleep and that means you don't miss out on anything. That means anytime any of your friends need someone to talk to, they call you because they know you're ALWAYS up. Big paycheck you say? Yeah, I guess. They'll wax me on taxes. I'll be even more excited to see that they take a good 3 to 4hundred dollars if not more from me. YES! Give me a second to throw a flip. . . .Okay, I'm done. I had to express my joy and excitment! So, it looks as though this is how I'm ending the year.
So it is now the 26th of December, 2004. Good God, there are day's that I still freak out when I write the date of year. 2004?! What happen to the 90's? I freak out even more when I say I was born in '79. But it's still not as bad as when I say my son is 6 years old. Everytime I'm forced to say that, I have to take a moment as I gasp for air and think, 'where'd the other five years go?' It seems like only yesterday I had just brought home my new born son. Literally. Damian is in Kindergardten this year and has done amazing. He's well above average and makes me very proud. He reads at a beginning 2nd grade level as he does his writing, counting and much more. He had a baby brother this year. One of the many experiences of '04 for me. It was at the end of 2003 when I found out his dad was having another baby. A time when I was still in the process of fading him out of my life, but close to him completely disappearing. As far as me caring or missing him went. When I found out the news, it didn't bother me too much because she had been playing the, "I'm pregnant" game, then finding out she wasn't for roughly a year. So as time went on it was found out that she actually was this time. It didn't bother me none, until I heard she was in labor. Now I'm not sure why and still don't know why, because I didn't miss him at all by this time, but, this drove me mad for about an hour. Yeah, an hour. I mean, my first love, the father of my child, the guy I gave 7 years of my life to was having a baby with someone else. The time of labor was also unexpected because she went into a premature labor by month. After an hour of uncontrollable crying I found myself feeling a sigh of relief. Maybe I had needed to let out the cry since she had first become pregnant. I went through the thoughts of, "I'm just another statistic. A single mom. A father that's not there. And now he has a half-brother." Nice! Eventually, I thought "fuck statistcs and what society say's." When I first met the baby I thought I'd cry or feel weird or out-of-place. Not the case at all. Though, as his family watched, it brought tears to their eyes. They all loved/love me so much and wished it was me. Not to mention that they can't stand her because of all the drama she's brought to their very family oriented lives. So anyhow, after about 2 years of being single, towards at the end of the beginning of this year, I one day realized that I was completely over Ross. Wow, I thought that day wouldn't never come. I don't know that there was a specific day when I felt that, but I know that eventually I didn't think about him AT ALL. Eventually, I didn't miss him AT ALL. And eventually I didn't care. I even started to question whether or not I was ever IN love. Now that I've experienced so much more, I know that I wasn't ever IN love with him. I did love him with all my heart. But I came to realize that I was just a 15 year old girl who grew to the age of 22 with this guy and hadn't had the chance to experience life. I'm not saying highschool sweethearts are too young and should wait, but at times I believe that when you're in a serious relationship at such a young age, it takes away from other life learning experiences. Maybe good, maybe bad. But I know that I didn't even begin to find myself until after he was gone. I partied like a crazed girl who had just turned 21 and thrived on the attention from different guys. I drank and loved the feeling of being drunk because it distorted my thoughts while I was around others. I set myself free, so I thought. Mariah and I went through the big break-ups together and did the partying together and you name it. We binged on the club scene hard. Most of it in '03 but it continued to this year. At some point I started slowing down and started to analyze my life. It was then that I realized the partying was how I tried to fill voids. Ross was my void. So as soon as that void was filled, simply by time not partying, and I started analyzing my life, I thought 'I'm 24 almost 25 and I'm reading to find myself. Who am I really? I'm not this person who all she wants to do is drink and party. I'm not the person who sits at home and drowns in her self-pitty. I'm the person who wants to live life to the fullest and play the cards she's dealt. I'm the person who wants to make the best of what is in front of her, no matter how bad it may be. I'm the person who wants the company she keeps to understand and love her. I'm a mom, first and fore-most." So it's then that I started to look for who I am and make these changes and trying to balance out my life. Thank God it started at the end of the beginning of the year. I don't know that I could have kept drinking the way I was. I was runnin' with the big dogs! RUFF! Haha.
This was also the year of the internet for me. Which, actually started and escalted in 2003. I was one of those, "anyone who meets anyone on the internet is crazy. They're losers. They have no life. Poor things." Well, if that's the case, I'm crazy, I'm a loser and I have no life. Poor me. I had been "talking" to Mr. Gabe for roughly three years. "Met" in a chat room looking for some conversation about music. Went back here and there, and found myself getting to "know" more "chat people." Another bad perception of mine, "you can't get to know someone on a computer." EEHH, wrong answer AGAIN Jennifer! Yeah, Jennifer. It's what I get when someone's yelling at me. Anyhow, I had been talking to the little Mrs. Ariel for the same amount of time and Katie too. Katie and I didn't talk much back in the day because she only made fun of me, come to realize that's what she does for a living, I gave up and started to love her silly ass. I would go into chat (Music Lobby 1) pretty regularly. Instead of watching TV, this is what I did. I became of the "regs" or "regulars." Good Lord I remember nights where I laughed so hard I thought I'd pee myself. Chat drama and much more. Better than TV? Hell yeah! So anyhow as Gabe and I started to get to know eachother more and talked on the phone more and so forth he one day presented the question of, "Let's meet?" I was very adament about it. It wasn't happening. By this point he wasn't someone from the internet. He was a friend, but still. I mean, I have a problem meeting someone out here and going to visit. That doesn't happen. When I meet someone out here, it's guaranteed that our first few meetings will be in public. And no, you can't pick me up, I'll meet you there. Take some friends, I'm sure to. Thus making it hard to keep anyone around. Maybe I'm too careful? So after discussing it with my three at the time closest friends and getting "Just go Jenn! You've been talking to him forever!" I seriously started thinking about it. One of my friends I knew would say 'do it' 'cause, well just 'cause. The other two surprised me. So one day I woke up and thought, "Fuck it, I'm going to meet him." So I told Gabe that I wanted to meet him and we made plans for me to go out there, ALONE. Oh my. It was weird though because I already knew him, I just had never seen him physically standing in front of me. Eventually I flew out to CA where he lives and met him. Was I nervous? Well YEAH! Was he? Of course. But after being in his truck for 10 minutes I felt as comfortable as ever. It was just Gabe. Not some stranger of the net. The trip in itself was an amazing experience and unforgettable memory. Gabe respected my every wish and treated me with nothing but respect, as did his family and friends. He also made one of my life dreams come true, he showed me the ocean. So I had met someone off of the internet and further formed a great relationship with a great person. As he said in his blog he ran the gammant of emotions with me, but hey we're human, not just some words on a computer screen. After some time away we started talking again and got back right to where we started on the net years ago. I definately consider him one of my bestfriends. He knows alot about me, like I do about him. And I feel comfortable telling him some of my life situations and how I feel about things. Plus he likes to let me THINK I'm always right. Who could ask for anything more? Through Gabe I met Eric, who I've also came to know very well. I met Eric the first time I went out to CA to meet Gabe and he stayed with us and my friend the entire time I went out the second time. He's great and a Gemini! Plus he's a twin and someday I'll get ask him all the twin questions like, "Do you feel the pain when she's in pain?" Or, "Do you like the same guys?" And man have I had some laughs with him. Especially when we talk online because we all know how fun it is to call eachother names in a PM/IM box and put one of those damn Yahoo smiley's. Eric wants to be like me, but he THINKS I want to be like him. He's just always doing things like me at the same time as me or thinking what I'm thinking right when I'm thinking it. I think he's stalking my brain. So I can't even think without worring that he'll tell on me. Sheesh. It's no wonder Gabe and Eric are bestfriends and have been for the past 10 years. They're both awesome and hella good looking. And I got to meet them all because of the net! I feel like I've also gotten to know Katie and Bill pretty damn well, as they have me. Katie moreso than Bill. When of them is sad I'm sad. When they're happy, I'm happy. Awww! We fight like brothers and sisters. Only we're not brothers and sisters so we can take it to other levels. It's so great. I wouldn't think twice about meeting Katie or Bill. As a matter-of-fact, Katie and I like to play out little scenario's of what would happen if the three of us met. I think Bill couldn't handle us, but who knows. So I keep an open mind to meeting the two of them. Bill just may be some crazy, perveted old man, but I think Katie and I would take him. I do consider you two a friend. Now quit being all mushy 'cause I'm going to. I also find myelf wondering how some of the "regs" that I haven't spoken to in a while are. I found that alot of us would tell eachother some of what was going on in our lives and so on. I keep in touch with alot of them. Alot of who I press to get a blog. Hey, what can you say?! Chat is no longer the fun place we would go to to make fun of other chatters and scare them off. No one goes in there anymore, so we might as well blog right?! It's a form of chatting and we still get to talk shit to eachother. So we're all cyber/net geeks/dorks, so fuckin' what?! Other people just don't chat or blog because they don't know how to work a computer damnit! I'm glad Gabe introduced me to blogging because of it, here we all are today. Yeah Gabe, you started it, but I took it over! Haha. So anyhow, this year I've grown to "love" many because of the net and this is the first year I'm not embarrassed to say so. I'm a cyber-geek and I stand proud. Bitches.
Tattoo's and piercing's for will ring in '05 as they started this year. I'm hooked. I got my first sometime in '03. This year when I went to Phoenix I got my second. A few weeks later found myself getting my third. Not too long after I was at "Stacy's" getting my lip pierced because my tongue piercing seemed boring. And not very long after I was in CA getting my third tatoo covered up with my fourth. And when I left the tattoo shop there I was already planning on my fourth. This year is also the year I stopped worrying about being "pretty." I still care, for sure, but I'm learning to deal with my insecurities. This will be a tough one to overcome and may take years, but I'll get there. It's a promise to myself. I won't be happy with just being okay with me physically, so I will have to get BACK to the gym and so forth. But I'll do it. I have to. I don't want to fail at the goals I've set for myself. I find myself not wearing makeup much. Or actually ever, unless I'm going out that is. Yeah sometimes I think, "Damn, I should have gotten ready today." But that feeling lasts a whole 10 seconds then I could care less. It's not that I don't care what I look like, it's just that I'm not worried about it. Looks really shouldn't matter. I've really learned that this year. Not that I've ever judged people based off of looks, but I always made sure I was presented in way that I would be judged based off of mine. If you can't get passed my messy hairdo, your loss.
Text messaging. Yeah, I know. I've talked about it before. But all I have to say about text messaging and this year is if it weren't for text messaging I don't think I'd be where I'm at right now. Yeah, I don't like doing that "if's" or "what if's" because for whatever reason text messages got big when they did and here I am. I just know that because of text messaging I got to know people better. At times when at work or just not being able to talk, you can always text message. It's like they're at your side all day because you can send a text simply saying "Hi" and get the same reply back. It's a sense of knowing they're there. I know weird, but maybe some of you understand. Also, as I mentioned before, it seems as though it's easier to say what you want on a text. Good or bad. I've had all out wars with my friend through texts. Things I know at times neither would be brave enough to tell eachother. I've also had full blown indepth conversation through texts. Hey, it's kinda like an instant message. So yeah, I love text messages.
This year I've learned to be confident in who I am mentally. I've learned that there are people who care what I have to say. I've learned that some even find what I have to say invaluable to them. That in itself is enough to make me die happy. I've learned that I'm someone who likes to be liked, which I've always known, but now I know there's nothing wrong with that. I've learned to take a gift when given one. Well, kinda. It's still hard for me to accept gifts. I'm a giver, what can you say?! I LOVE to give. Whether it's a bought gift, my love, my help, my anything I can give. I guess the great feeling that comes to follow is what makes me want to give. Knowing I've made someone happy is enough. I guess that also falls into play with wanting to be liked.
Music! This year I was introduced to many new worlds of music. Thanks to those on the net, again! I've always listened to and a love for every genre or what have you, but I guess I was missing out on all that's behind the mainstream. I never did look passed that. I was introduced and/or found artists from Portishead to Bjork, Ryan Adams, Chris Cornell, Dave Navarro and MANY, MANY more. I'm still trying to get in all the music/artists I've been recommended. I just can't keep up. Yeah, most of you don't care for the hiphop stuff, but I still have a love for it. As I said, I listen to EVERYTHING. And I know that most say that and mean they listen to a couple different genre's, but for me to say that I listen to ALMOST everything would be an understatment. I find something in all types of music to appreciate. I rock everything from what I named before to country, classical, all types of spanish, some hardcore and then some. So in the past xx months my CD collection has went from a mere 10-15 to roughly 150. And I'm just getting started baby! I open to more recommendations, but I still gotta get some Jeff Buckley and other's that I hear oh so much about. I'll get there, eventually. The day's run short.
Friends. If put simply, they come a dime a dozen. A true friend will hurt you once in a while and you have to learn to forgive them for that. But in a lifetimen, true friends can be counted with one hand. True friends aren't the one's who you give all your time to and talk to more on the phone. They aren't the ones who lend you their clothes and tell you you're pretty. A true friend is a true friend simply because they give you a shoulder to cry on. A true friend appreciates you for you. A true friend loves you and ALL of you. They don't judge you with anything you do. One that actually listens when you talk. One that hurts when you hurt. One that's happy when you're happy. My true friends are the one's I don't even get to see much. I say "bestfriend" when I speak of certain people. Yeah, they are my "bestfriends." They're the one's I hang out with or talk to most. They're the one's that know what clubs I like and my favorite drinks. They know the guys I've kissed. They know my work schedule. They know what store I like to shop at. But my REAL friends. They know how I REALLY feel. They know what I'm going through in life. They know who I REALLY am. They are the one's that I've let see me cry. I don't let people see me cry. I'm too macho for that. My true friends are there for me when I REALLY need them. Not when I have a hair up my ass to go out and party, but when I'm hurting they're at my side or when I'm happy they're just as excited as I am. Marylyn is my true friend. She's my brother's girlfriend. Usually I refer to her as my sister-n-law. Paul is my true friend. Enough said. I'd do anything for those two. Gabe and Eric are true friends. I know it's alot to say for you two. But I truly believe that you guys know I'd do anything I could for you guys and in my heart I feel that would be done in return. Yeah, we've had "dramas" but true friends stand by eachother through those dramas. We're here right? Marylyn and I went through some rough times but neither one of us gave up on eachother and never I once doubted that we would. Paul and I just get along too well and we're both big ass dorks so we don't fight. Him and I are okay with not agreeing and tend to make fun of eachother's perspectives and laugh. When I sit here and think really hard, I've had lots and lots of "bestfriends." But those friends I think would give up easily if the hard times came knocking at "our" door. This year, all in all, I've realized that my true friends at times are all I have. I know that they might hurt me, but would never do it intentionally, and vise versa. Relationship's aren't supposed to be perfect. I haven't known Sharon too long, but something in my heart and mind tells me that she's someone I want to keep in my life. That if she needed anything at all I would try my hardest to get it done for her. I have lots of other friends that I could count on for pretty much anything, but just don't see or talk to hardly ever. Chris Daniels and Mike & Christina come to mind immediately. They all see me for me and love who I am. Just like I see them for them and love everything about them. Even their imperfections and flaws. I've always said I was blessed with friends. At times I find it hard to say "my really good friend" because I say it for alot of my friends. But as I said, I'm blessed with friends.
Love in '04. Oh no! She said the four letter word! Oh, but I did. I found love in so many different ways. With friends, family and to be in love. Why doesn't she blog about it/him? She damn posts about everything else! Because, when it's that special, I'd rather bask in the joy while in my reverie's. He is also a true friend. I'm not even going to go on about it more here. Let's just say, I feel so blessed, amazingly.
Hate. This year I learned what it's like to hate. Sadly, it's not even someone I know on a personal level, per se. I've never actually hated something or someone. Maybe strongly disliked or couldn't stand. But I mean really feel hate. I feel this feeling of hate for Mr. President Bush. He is a master of his art and his art is death. He is playing God and I hate him for that. If I'm not wrong hating is sin?? So Bush has allowed me to to do so. Speaking of God, I've learned not to care or be embarrassed about my belief's. I believe in God and am happy to say so. It's sad that people are making Christmas out to be something bad. Something the whole world has been celebrating for years! That some places are calling it the "end of year celebration." That Christmas lights are not allowed for some company's. That this world is trying to rid of anything that has to do with God or religion. It's sad that when my son's school say's the Pledge of Allegiance the phrase "one nation under God" is no longer included. What is the reason we celebrate Christmas? Oh yeah, that's right. It's the birthday of Jesus. What is the history of the world based on? Oh yeah, that's right, religion. What is this world coming to? Who knows. It scares me to wonder what it is my son will grow up in. What he'll be pressured to say or not to say. What he'll be pressured to believe in or not to believe in. This world is crazy. And the crazy doesn't do it justice. Hence, another reason to live as happy as possible.
So in closing the end of the 2004, I found me. I truly in my heart & soul believe that I know who I am and what I want in life. I don't mean, 'oh I want my own house, and I want this in my career and this kinda car.' I'm saying, I know I want to be happy and will be no matter what. I know things are never perfect and that's perfect. I know that I won't always see eye-to-eye with everyone and that it's okay to agree to disagree. I know that I don't need Ross' helpwith our son and even though he's not there for our son the way he should be, my son is happy with what and who he has. I learned that with time and only time, everything gets better. I learned that the old saying "this too shall pass" couldn't be more true. I learned at the age of 12, when I lost my dad that life is short, and I continue to remember that with everyday. I learned that an experience or a memory is one to cherish, whether it made me cry or made me laugh. I learned that people and friends come and go and that's okay. I learned that there is true love after love. I learned that if I'm myself, people appreciate that. I knew since the day my son was born that I was the luckiest person alive, but with everyday I love him more and feel luckier. I learned that my family is invaluable as are my friends. I learned that true friends are the ones you least expected to be there at all and that the one's you expect to be there may not be. I learned that everything happens when you least expect it. I learned to be happy with my past and to learn from it and live for today. I learned not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow may never come. I believe in fate, and I believe in faith. I believe that life should be lived to the fullest no matter how hard it is. I learned that everyday won't be happy but someone out there has it worse. I learned that life should be lived to the fullest, especially with those you love, whether it's for "a day or a lifetime."
So, all in all, I'd say I had a great year. There were some extremely difficult times and some things I'm still trying to get passed or make better. But it'll all come around, eventually. And I'm sure that when they do, I'll be presented with yet another life challenging situation. It's a viscious cycle that I'm willing to take on. I'm excited to see what the new year rings in for me. I still have 5 day's left in 2004 and who knows what could happen in those 4 days. I'm sure I'll think of a million and one things I wanted to post about as soon as I log out here, but I don't want any of you to kill me. Well, IF you read this far. If not, I REALLY don't blame you. But as someone mentioned wanting to post to interest their readers, well I do post for my readers at times, but at times it's simply for me. Something to look back on. My journal. Maybe someday I'll even print this bad boy out and save it for my son. Even all the Tom Foolery. I would definate like to end this with one of the most thought provoking quotes I could find, but I don't believe there's one to do that justice. So I'll just say, I found me. This is my life and where I'm at. Do you know who you are and where you're at?. . .
I just read this over and realized that my grammar, typos, and use of vocabualry are pretty rough. But if you think I'm about to go add comma's where they should be or take off the extra added letters, or check out the thesaurus, you're crazy! I almost fell asleep typing it. I think I might write a novel. I'm obviously skilled in the lenght department. So if you know any publishers, let me know!
posted by Jenn Doll at 4:38 AM

7 Comments:

Aww, Jay. I would want to get to know you better first. The times I have had the pleasure of talking to you have been great. Though you must admit that we've only had the opportunity to enjoy eachother's company like twice. Other than that it was chat mumbo jumbo. don't be sad, I got nothing but luff for ya! And what you wrote about love was beautiful.

James, thanks for the kudos and noticing all the work and having to balance that with my son. Thanks for the "good mother" compliment. That's always been the most fullfilling compliment since I've became a mother.

6:09 AM  

I read your post, and now I don't know what to say. I'm too tired, so I'm going back to bed, I'll say something deep and meaningful later.
Much love x

8:38 AM  

You and Katie are weird and creepy......gosh why do I keep coming back? As for mister Bush, be glad J Edgar Hoover wasn't alive and still in charge of the FBI. They would have destroyed the country. Some say love......it is a river. And what the hell can I not handle? Surely it isn't that booty because it would be put in check real quicklike hahaha you can hit a bitch now, I'll let you! Anyhow these little scenarios that you and Katie play out......do they involve me dressed in a toga being fed grapes by two ladies in the nude? Just call me Billtacus. Jenn you can make my dying wish come true by forming my harem. If so I'll get my agent to book that trip.

8:55 AM  

Well I don't think I can comment on everything you wrote on here, but I'll try my damndest before my fingers freeze. I can't beleive you had been at work for that long. You are a real trooper lady and I give you barrels of credit for doing what you do. I used to think the same way about meeting people on the internet, but getting to know you has totally changed my prespective on that. And Bill of course too. I wish we didn't live as far from each other. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if we lived near each other, or even just met for a few days. I know we talk about it all the time, but really, it needs to happen. I consider you a friend of mine, even if we've never met and I don't care how weird that sounds. It sounds like this year has been some ups and downs for you, but I think it sounds like you pulled through even stronger in the end. I wish I could describe my thoughts on myself and what I'm looking for as eloquently as you do, but I guess I'm still looking. Or not really because I don't even know what I'm supposed to be searching for, but I'll find out eventually. Hopefully. You are one tough, smart, caring, sexy mexy, compassionate Hispanic lady, and that's why I and so many others who know you, love you. You're always there to listen to anyone's problems (I still don't understand how you do it without being annoyed) and I admire you for it. Ok, way to go off on a tangent, now I sound like I'm in love with you. Well I guess I am, but not like that, I swear. Please don't call me a dyke this time. And I'm hoping you're at work (even though you should be getting some much needed sleep), see this comment and come on AIM so we can talk. I love you lady!

1:11 AM  

dang jenn..i've read only half of this post and i need to go..haha..i'll continue reading as soon as i can..tsk tsk..you and your long posts...why do i love you???

5:19 AM  

I can't read all this post right now (I have three minutes left on this comp) but I'll make sure I do later on in the week.

Just wanted to let you know your blog is a cherished part of my time and I know how much you love that people let you know that. Much love :X

4:21 PM  

And you say I make YOU think-geez!! Seriously- this time of year is great for reflection-and as you can see I try to do it on a daily basis because I didn't understand the meaning of the word "consequences" until I was hmmm let's see-I'm 26 now, so yeah-till I was 26. Though I didn't make it into the post this time-I would love to meet you one day for a Grande Caramel Macciatto-that is if you are ever in DC or I'm ever in-where the hell do you live?? Oh yeah-nice use of the word "doucheface"--have you ever notice that on the side of a bottle of douche-it actually says "Please dispose of unused product-do not store for a 2nd use" or something like that- Gross huh?? I mean-who was asshole that did that and prompted these companies to put that on the label. EWWWWWWW

6:42 AM  

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