Jenn's Reverie
Monday, March 07, 2005
Sometime's the Sun Shine's Through the Rain
I opened up my comments, again. Sorry, Andrew, Rae, Chelle, I saw that you guy's mentioned it. I was over at "his" blog and he's still at it, so please do me a favor, if they leave anymore comments just ignore it. I'll delete them as soon as I have a chance, k. If it persists I'll close them again and invite you guy's to comment. Love to you all!
Today proved to be a nice day. Went over to Grandma's house and had a bar-b-que for my oldest brother. He'll be 31 soon. My other brother and his family showed. Mom and her boyfriend were there. Damian, of course. My cousin Ernie and his friend Joe. We finally got a picture of all of the grandkids together with my Mom. She was really excited about that. She's got 5! My oldest brother has the oldest, Savannah, she's 9. He also has Danyel, who's 4. Then my brother Eddie has Breanna that's 6, 7 in a few weeks. He also has Brittney who's just about 3 months and I have Damian, who is 6 1/2. My brother Eddie and his girlfriend Marylyn are planning on one more, we're all hoping and praying for a boy. For more reasons than one. Well, for one they just want a boy. One of the main reason's is because there isn't anybody to carry my Dad's last name. When the girls someday get married, they will take their husband's last name and their kids will also carry the last name of their father's. I gave Damian his dad's last name, which I now regret. He truly doesn't deserve it. I can't change it without him signing over all rights, which he's not going to do, but should. Yes, he's in Damian's life, KINDA. And yes, when he is with Damian he's a great father, but that's WHEN he's with him. Anyhow, so we're left with no one to carry my Dad's last name. I lost my Dad many year's ago and this is the only wish I have. I have hundreds of cousin's on his side to carry the name, but it's not the same. Also, the only to carry my Grandpa's (Mom's Dad) is my cousin Richard. He's 27. He doesn't have a girlfriend or kids. He'd damn better get on it! I also lost my Grandpa, only two years ago. Anyhow, after the little birthday gathering I headed out to Wal-Mart for the second time this week and took my niece Breanna with us. Damian and I, that is. Damian and Breanna are more like brother and sister than cousin's. When they haven't seen eachother for a while they get antsy to hang out. So on the way to Wal-Mart they're conversating and one of their conversation went something like. . .
Breanna - Did you know Grandpa could be anywhere? He could be at your house, he could be at my house, he could even be at Wal-Mart.
Damian - Yeah, he could be anywhere. His real body's up in heaven, though.
Breanna - He's at his house too. (Lots of other stuff I couldn't hear.) I miss him.
Damian - Could you please stop talking about it, before I cry or something.
Breanna - Why?
Damian - Because it's sad.
Breanna - I wish we could start all over.
Damian - Yeah, then we'd babies again.
Breanna - Yeah, that'd be cool.
Damian - Wait, but then your little sister wouldn't be here, or my little brother.
Breanna - hmmm....yeah.
I listened to this conversation between two six year old children and it brought tears to my eye's. Six year's old! Are six year old children supposed to have this understanding of life and death? Has the loss of my Grandpa at such a young age scared them at the thought of growing up? Damian has said on many occasion's that he doesn't want to grow up and wants to stay this age forever. And that he wants everyone (the people he loves) to stay this way forever. My niece told my Mom the other day that she's the luckiest girl in the whole world because she has her mommy, daddy and sister. That she has a great family. She understand's that now day's most kids don't have that. She understand's that she is rare in that, and blessed. Damian heard this and stayed kinda quiet. I think it was due to him not having Ross around like he and any other child wants their daddy. Unfortunately, I fit into that statistic of single mother, and dead-beat-dad. There are many time's that Damian brings up my Grandpa. There's also many time's that he asks question's about my Dad. Who he was, what he did and so forth. Everytime he's so sincere. It's like he misses my Dad even though he never got to spend time with him.Hearing this conversation between these two children, my son and niece at that, has had me thinking all day. Unfortunately, it's had me thinking that this world is a sad place for such beautiful spirits. That we, including myself, can be and are so petty. That we "cry" and bitch and complain about the stupidest shit ever. IE: Blog drama? It's the pettiest thing I've done in a really long time. Childish, too. I don't even know these people and I wasted time on them, just for kicks. And yeah, I'd much rather be childish and stupid on a computer than in person, so at least it was just that, but still. I was gonna delete all the stupid comments, but decided to leave them to remind myself not to be petty and/or fall into stupid shit when it arises. Really, none of it bothered me to a point where I actually thought about it. But I did put time into typing the stupid comments and so on and so forth. I guess we all have that inner-child who wants to be dramatic and sometime's need to be put in check, or maybe just some of us. Damn my inner-child! Here we are acting like idiots and there's six year old children loving life for what they have. I didn't make a new year's resolution, but I'm going to. Not just for the year, for my future. Things are going really well for me right now. Well, not completely, but I know there's someone out there going through alot worse, so I'll cut my losses and count my blessings. Life's too short to live it in misery. We can't prevent the bad, but we can sure as hell try. The world seems to get crazier every day and it scares me to think what my son will be growing up in and see and hear. I can only do what I can. I try to prevent the craziness of the world from tainting him today, but there's time's where it still slips through my fingers. I can't put my resoulution into words, and don't care to. But for me and for my son is what it's all about.
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." - John Homer Miller
"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment." - Richard Bach
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
Today proved to be a nice day. Went over to Grandma's house and had a bar-b-que for my oldest brother. He'll be 31 soon. My other brother and his family showed. Mom and her boyfriend were there. Damian, of course. My cousin Ernie and his friend Joe. We finally got a picture of all of the grandkids together with my Mom. She was really excited about that. She's got 5! My oldest brother has the oldest, Savannah, she's 9. He also has Danyel, who's 4. Then my brother Eddie has Breanna that's 6, 7 in a few weeks. He also has Brittney who's just about 3 months and I have Damian, who is 6 1/2. My brother Eddie and his girlfriend Marylyn are planning on one more, we're all hoping and praying for a boy. For more reasons than one. Well, for one they just want a boy. One of the main reason's is because there isn't anybody to carry my Dad's last name. When the girls someday get married, they will take their husband's last name and their kids will also carry the last name of their father's. I gave Damian his dad's last name, which I now regret. He truly doesn't deserve it. I can't change it without him signing over all rights, which he's not going to do, but should. Yes, he's in Damian's life, KINDA. And yes, when he is with Damian he's a great father, but that's WHEN he's with him. Anyhow, so we're left with no one to carry my Dad's last name. I lost my Dad many year's ago and this is the only wish I have. I have hundreds of cousin's on his side to carry the name, but it's not the same. Also, the only to carry my Grandpa's (Mom's Dad) is my cousin Richard. He's 27. He doesn't have a girlfriend or kids. He'd damn better get on it! I also lost my Grandpa, only two years ago. Anyhow, after the little birthday gathering I headed out to Wal-Mart for the second time this week and took my niece Breanna with us. Damian and I, that is. Damian and Breanna are more like brother and sister than cousin's. When they haven't seen eachother for a while they get antsy to hang out. So on the way to Wal-Mart they're conversating and one of their conversation went something like. . .
Breanna - Did you know Grandpa could be anywhere? He could be at your house, he could be at my house, he could even be at Wal-Mart.
Damian - Yeah, he could be anywhere. His real body's up in heaven, though.
Breanna - He's at his house too. (Lots of other stuff I couldn't hear.) I miss him.
Damian - Could you please stop talking about it, before I cry or something.
Breanna - Why?
Damian - Because it's sad.
Breanna - I wish we could start all over.
Damian - Yeah, then we'd babies again.
Breanna - Yeah, that'd be cool.
Damian - Wait, but then your little sister wouldn't be here, or my little brother.
Breanna - hmmm....yeah.
I listened to this conversation between two six year old children and it brought tears to my eye's. Six year's old! Are six year old children supposed to have this understanding of life and death? Has the loss of my Grandpa at such a young age scared them at the thought of growing up? Damian has said on many occasion's that he doesn't want to grow up and wants to stay this age forever. And that he wants everyone (the people he loves) to stay this way forever. My niece told my Mom the other day that she's the luckiest girl in the whole world because she has her mommy, daddy and sister. That she has a great family. She understand's that now day's most kids don't have that. She understand's that she is rare in that, and blessed. Damian heard this and stayed kinda quiet. I think it was due to him not having Ross around like he and any other child wants their daddy. Unfortunately, I fit into that statistic of single mother, and dead-beat-dad. There are many time's that Damian brings up my Grandpa. There's also many time's that he asks question's about my Dad. Who he was, what he did and so forth. Everytime he's so sincere. It's like he misses my Dad even though he never got to spend time with him.Hearing this conversation between these two children, my son and niece at that, has had me thinking all day. Unfortunately, it's had me thinking that this world is a sad place for such beautiful spirits. That we, including myself, can be and are so petty. That we "cry" and bitch and complain about the stupidest shit ever. IE: Blog drama? It's the pettiest thing I've done in a really long time. Childish, too. I don't even know these people and I wasted time on them, just for kicks. And yeah, I'd much rather be childish and stupid on a computer than in person, so at least it was just that, but still. I was gonna delete all the stupid comments, but decided to leave them to remind myself not to be petty and/or fall into stupid shit when it arises. Really, none of it bothered me to a point where I actually thought about it. But I did put time into typing the stupid comments and so on and so forth. I guess we all have that inner-child who wants to be dramatic and sometime's need to be put in check, or maybe just some of us. Damn my inner-child! Here we are acting like idiots and there's six year old children loving life for what they have. I didn't make a new year's resolution, but I'm going to. Not just for the year, for my future. Things are going really well for me right now. Well, not completely, but I know there's someone out there going through alot worse, so I'll cut my losses and count my blessings. Life's too short to live it in misery. We can't prevent the bad, but we can sure as hell try. The world seems to get crazier every day and it scares me to think what my son will be growing up in and see and hear. I can only do what I can. I try to prevent the craziness of the world from tainting him today, but there's time's where it still slips through my fingers. I can't put my resoulution into words, and don't care to. But for me and for my son is what it's all about.
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." - John Homer Miller
"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment." - Richard Bach
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
posted by Jenn Doll at 3:24 AM
3 Comments:
Testing. :)
I've lost my grandparents, two cousins, my little sister, my uncle, and my father. Most of this happened when I was young. It gave me an interesting veiw of life.
I've lost both grandfathers and thankfully no cousins or aunties (so far,) but one of my uncles killed himself last year. I didn't know him that well since he had been living in Australia for so long. Then of course there is my cat and on Monday we had to put down one of the other cats, damn kidney failure, the plague of cats.
I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your father. I'm sorry, Jenn.
In regards to the last name issue, my cousin, who's father didn't even want him, has his mothers last name as his middle name so he can use either name if he wanted. Another cousin changed his last name when he was about 18, he'd found out his Dad wasn't his biological father after applying for his birth certificate. If (or when) Damian wants to change his name, it should really be his choice.
Isn't it funny the things we tend to focus our time on, forgetting that there are more important things in this world. I'm far from immune, sometimes I need a good kick in the head to wake up.
I'm not going to go into too much detail but if you believe in an afterlife then you'd understand that those 'kids' are spirits just like us, only in a smaller body less tainted and jaded by the world we've become used to living in. If only I knew then what I know now...
Much love to ya :X
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