If You Take Your Love Away From Me, I'll Go Crazy
*singing - I'm searching for the words to make you realize. . .
Okay, that song's on the radio and I wanted to sing to you all some. Anyhow, so I did call in last night. I popped some Tylenol PM's and was out by 9pm! Slept 'til 8am. Eleven hours! Woot. Had a little more energy than usual, but still got tired come evening. Bad thing about sleeping those hours is coming to work and getting off at 7. Which means, by the time I leave here I'll have been up for 22 hours. This seems to be a routine of mine every other day. Staying up 24 hours is no thang for moi. But I'm actually getting kinda tired of it. I wish I would some time in my life have some kind of sleeping pattern. But I don't believe I ever have, so I may never. Who knows?
So, I don't have much to talk about since I've been doing nothing. I've been really burnt lately, as I've mentioned. On top of all the work and no sleep, I'm pressured here at work. It's not a bad pressure though. They really want me to be a Specialist/Supervisor. I got the Specialist we have now, the Supervisor, Sgt. and Lt. all pushing for me. It's a buck more an hour and I would no longer have to carry a pager once a week ever month. No more on-call! BUT, I would have to babysit these assholes. These ladies are a bunch of cry babies. So anyhow, one day I'm like, "Hell yeah! I'll do it! I'll be the supervisor of all these ladies ranging from the ages of 20-60." The next day, I'm like, "Hell nah! It aint work the buck!" It's really a great opportunity and advancement for me. Going from where I started to there in less than 3 years say's alot here in the Sheriff's Department. But I just can't gather myself enough to come to a damn conclusion. Sonofabitch, it's driving me crazy. I mean, why wouldn't I take such an opportunity? Am I just content where I'm at right now, for the time being? Am I scared of basically being the first in the chain-of-command? Am I just so exhausted at this time that I'm thinking of all the responsibilty and not wanting it? Should this be a decision when I've slept a normal night? I dunno. I guess when they close the posting, that'll decide for me. If I haven't applied by then, then oh well. I just hope I don't regret my decision either way. That's definately the most stressful part of it all.
On another note, I've hung out with Mariah twice in this past week. Had a good time. Her engagement ring is really pretty. Not too big, which I like. The first day I went by her apartment is when it sunk in that she was really engaged. Her (biological) dad heard that I was going by, so he told her not to let me leave 'til he could come tell me hi. When he got there they were talking about all her wedding plans and cost of it all. Looks like they'll be dropping a grand total of $11,000 on this wedding. $11,000! Fucking crazy bastards! The band alone is gonna run them $2 g's for four hours! Two fucking thousand dollars for a "popular local" band to play for four hours! Fuck that! She comes from a "wealthy" family, so for the most part it's coming from them. Her dress is gorgeous! I saw it in a magazine. Her grandpa/adoptive father will be putting $75 grand down on a house for them. That's their wedding gift from him. Must be nice! My cousin Amanda will be getting married 2 months before Mariah. She too is trying to have the most expensive wedding. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just weird. But I have never played out what my wedding would be like. I guess I only thought, when I'm that in love and know I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, I'm not going to care how big and and expensive my wedding is. I for sure want a most beautiful dress. I want all my loved ones to be there. I don't care how expensive and beautiful the invitations are. They're only going to get thrown in the trash. I don't need the table center pieces on the tables at the reception to be real roses surronded by diamonds! All I imagine is being able to look into "his" eyes when he say's I do and when I say I do, and to feel at that moment what becoming one is. To feel a love like never imagined! All I want at that moment is God's blessing and the blessing of my loved one's. Not the most expensive wedding my friends or family have ever attended. All they want is good food and music! Well, I want that too. Gotta dance! Anyhow, I hope that when/if the day ever comes that I'm saying "I do," that the man who's eyes I'm looking into is as much in love with me and isn't worried about how "rich" our wedding is. I'm really happy for Mariah, I just hope that come June 4th, she finds the true meaning behind marriage. I could say lots more as to why I feel she hasn't found that meaning, but that's irrelevant.
Stand by me. . .