Jenn's Reverie
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Free With A History
I mentioned on my previous post how I called to my ex's house the other day and didn't recognize his voice. Well, it's been on my mind since. It's just such an accomplishment for me. I hadn't analyzed the situation in a really long time. But that day, something as simple as forgetting his voice, made me realize how far I've come. It's been roughly 2 years and about 9 months, at my best guess, that I've been single. At one point I thought I couldn't live without this guy. Now I can't even recognize his voice? It's just yet another sigh of relief. I mean, I pretty much grew up with this guy. From the age of just barely 15 to a young adult at 22. Part of who I am is because of him. I think I'm a better person because of my experiences. Our relationship was pretty much rocky through out the entire 7 years. He cheated constantly because he knew I'd still be there when he was done. And if I did leave, he knew I'd be coming back. He knew that I couldn't be without him. It eventually got to a point that when I heard he cheated I wouldn't even tell him anything. What for? Fight, cry, go back. I saw no point. So I hid under myself with him. I knew he loved me. But I never could and still haven't figured out what kind of love it was. I usually came to the conclusion that we were so young and just used to each other, so what else would we do. I remember most, if not all of our friends getting pregnant within the first year of their relationships. I wasn't aiming for that. I was on "the pill" for almost 3 years. Then I was convinced to switch to "the shot." In the trasition of this, I ended up pregnant. I remember none of our friends believing us because we had already been together three years. My Mom was with me in the room when I found out. So it saved my having to tell her. She was very supportive. His mom, I knew would be more excited than most. Which she was and would NOT believe me at first. The sad part, he's the one I was worried about telling. But I did. I waited for him to acknowledge it, and eventually he did. While I was pregnant he played the act of disappearing well. I was working, in which I had been doing since after high school. Him? No, no work. I would put in lots of overtime just to get away from the house. I was living with him and his mom at the time. Her and I worked together so she'd see me up in the morning's and say, "Hey, might as well go in. You're already up." So I would. Just to come home and find that he'd been home and slept and left before we got back. Years down the road to find that he'd been there with a girl. This while I'm about 6 months pregnant. We moved into a new house, and still he wasn't around much. During the period of when I was due, his mom told him he'd have to stay home. I was 19 at this time, him 18. He finally stayed home. He had to have his cousin there. But that wasn't new. There was ALWAYS a friend. I never dated just Ross. I always dated Ross and Leonard, or Ross and Eric, Ross and Aaron, Ross and Chris. At some points, 3 at a time. Being the only one with a job, I would feed us all, put the gas, buy the cigarette's, etc. Which also meant no alone time. So then came September 15, 1998. The birth day of my son, Damian. Ross didn't change. I started to realize that one day, ONE day I would leave. Now was just working up the courage to do it. Still it took me 3 years to do it. He had moved to go to school in Arizona when our son was almost 2. Maybe just over 2. I was really hurt. I didn't understand why he had to go to school out there. He was determined to get me to move out there. But I was afraid to be left in a foreign state, with no friends or family, like he'd done out here. I drove with him out there. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I remember when we were giving each other our hug goodbye, he teared up, I teared up and wanted to break down, and his family watching us all teared up too. I mean, I was leaving the guy I'd been waking up to almost every day for the past 5 years. While he was out in Arizona, he was hit with a taste of reality. He then for the first time in 5 years realized what he had. He'd come out to see us at least every 2 months. I remember one day, we were driving back from visiting some of his family. His parents were in the front and him, our son, and myself in the back. I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. Something I've seen from Ross like almost never. Something that I'm one of very few who had seen. I asked him what was wrong, and he had said nothing. But I pressured him into knowing, he finally said, "I just miss you guys so much." At that moment I knew somehow that I hadn't wasted all these years fighting for his love. But at the same time, I was scared inside. All this time him being gone in Arizona, I was getting used to him not being around. Eventually he met people out there, through school and work and so forth. So he then became the same Ross he was before. I cheated on him while he was out there. No, I never had sex with another guy. But in cheating I mean, a kiss or a date. I left the sleeping with others to him. We were "on and off" while he was out there. As we'd always been. Anyhow, he came out here after school. I moved back in with him and his mom. And of course our son. He wasn't gonna change. He'd been seeing some girl out in AZ and I had known about it. He just didn't know I knew. Every time we'd get in a fight since he'd been back, he'd call her. He still doesn't know I know. I told him, "When the day comes that you're ready for me, completely, I'll be done waiting for you. It's gonna be too late." So we tried to have this relationship of nothing. I realized that I was miserable with him and just as miserable without him. I woke up one day and the thought came to mind, I'm going to be happy with him, and if not I'm going to happy without him. And that I did. I tried to be happy, and it just wasn't there, so I left. The day I left for good he thought was just another phase. But at the same time I saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice. He knew I was gone. We hadn't been fighting, everything was great. But that morning, there was something in the air that told me I was done. I've never went back. I wanted to for so long. I drank myself into oblivion for a while. I partied as hard as I could ever imagine. I went crazy with the party scene. I was a new face to the club scene and the attention was great. I gained back confidence in who I was. Both mentally and physically. I danced and danced and danced 'til I could literally dance no more. My love of dancing was taken away from me. He never took me anywhere, other than to his friends to watch them get high or do other boring stuff. He'd only seen me REALLY dance once, and he was like "whoa!" Yeah, 7 years and he had no idea. I missed him. I did. For a really long time. Some days were worse than others. Eventually I realized that I was hardly thinking of him and wasn't hurt anymore. That was actually pretty scary. The thought of falling completely out of love with the one person I've ever loved and had been loving for years. One day I was okay with it. I no longer miss him. I miss the affection and the feeling of being in love itself. When I realized that I no longer loved him, I cried. I cried because I was sad that I was no longer in love with him. I cried because I was happy that I had gotten to that point and thought that it would never happen. At one time, in the beginning of the getting over process, I had regrets of ever meeting him. But when I was done missing and hating him. I had no regrets. It was where I was supposed to be in my life at that time. If not, I wouldn't have my beautiful son. I wouldn't know the love that I do with my son. Love that one will never know until having their own. Ross now has a girlfriend (who can't stand me, just because I'm the ex), and they have a son together. He's a much better father to her son and the one they have together. He sees my son every other weekend and doesn't pay child support. He's a great father when he's there. It's just getting him there. I've been battling this one for 6 years now. At times I think I should just file for child support and give it to him. But then I think, what for? My son has everything. He has more than a lot of other kids out there. I don't need his Ross' money. I won't give up the battle of trying to get Ross to be around more. It's not my job, some say. Well, I think it is. I brought my son in to this world, it's my job to raise him as happy and as right as possible. So I guess in forgetting his voice it just reminded me of how far I've gotten in these past 2 or so years. I have this huge wall up that I need to start breaking down. But it's coming down. Slowly but surely. It's coming down with the people I meet. I find that I'm more open. And I find myself being a littler more vulnerable. I used to pray that things would work out between us, but "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Had my prayers been answered, I wouldn't have met so many beautiful people that I know now or have met, 'cause I'd still be with him and not here.
.now that the cuffs are off
.now that the cuffs are off
posted by Jenn Doll at 2:35 AM
4 Comments:
Reading all this made me wish I could give you a hug right now lady. You are a good person, and I wish Ross would have realized that, instead of treating you like he did. You deserve a lot better, and I know you'll find him (or her, I know you're open to either) someday. At least you have Damian to brighten your days. Like I always say, I've never had a long term relationship, so I have nothing to compare what you had with Ross to, but I've seen a lot of my friends go through the same thing. Most of the time I didn't understand why they would keep going back to a guy who hurt them so much, but I guess I'll find out someday how much you really can love another person. It sounds like you came out of that relationship a stronger person, and kudos to you for that. Just remember that your body is a temple. Haha, my mom always says that and I think it's really funny. But for real, you are a wonderful, fun, sexy mexy lady, and if any guy doesn't realize that, he's out of his mind. I love you!
Just to let you know, the last line you wrote got the song "Unanswered Prayers" in my head, by Garth Brooks. Even though it's an awful song and I wish I didn't know it and can't help the fact that my dad played that CD all the time when I was 7 or 8 years old, you should listen to it, cause I think the lyrics are talking exactly about what you are.
Wow, I'm a dumbass. I didn't realize the first time I read that last line that you put it in quotes, so you've obviously already heard that song. So, uh, disregard those last 3 sentences I wrote. And don't make fun of me.
I don't even have to read this one to know that Jenn wants me pretty bad, but can't handle me whatsoever. God Jenn you poor thing, how hard it must be to be Bildoless.
http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=7181658&postID=109833858665810568
you should read this. you wrote it. it is amazing. and it makes me appreciate katie more.
(sorry. i tried the "oh stop"; it sucked)
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